depression and incompetence

So I'm depressed. It may be because I have weaned myself off Prozac, and now am reducing Wellbutrin. I hope it's just normal depression, because I really don't want to stay on so many drugs.

At work I am feeling absolutely incompetent as a writer. On my current project, they have assigned another person to do some of the writing. I'm not off of it, but the other guy will be doing some of my work. They don't think I can complete all the writing by the deadline. I have been sick with a flu/bad cold and missed a couple of days at work. But I should be writing faster.

I keep feeling like I'm going to lose my job. I don't know if this is a valid concern or not. I used to think that I was doing better than the other writer that was hired at the same time as me, but now I'm not so sure.

I'm going on a business trip to Portland Oregon starting tomorrow and will be gone five days. I'm still somewhat sick. I hate traveling while I'm sick. There is always the chance that I will get worse because of the stress. But I can't get out of it. The other guy from our company that is going wants to show me the bars in Portland, but I think I'm just going to go back to the hotel.

I'm thinking about taking the total amount of Wellbutrin that I was prescribed.

Got to go do laundry and go grocery shopping for the trip.

A borderline-- an optimist?

My life is generally going well. I am coping with work adequately. I am flying well and thoroughly enjoying it. I even do spins (from a very high altitude, not suicidal!).

But I'm still grieving over Frank. I look for his emails many times a day. I am obsessed with hearing from him even though "we" decided to be friends. He and I are going to go to a concert with John Mayer and Sheryl Crow next week--as friends. And I am going to pay to have him go up in a glider plane for his birthday, whenever I can get ahold of the glider club.

All seems to be going well. Yet today I am depressed. I am still managing to get some things done, like doing my laundry and studying for flight school and ground school, but I have this constant heaviness in my chest.

I have taken myself off of Prozac, but I don't think that is the cause. I think that I am depressed because I am still attached to Frank, miss him, and can't have him.

I have been studying books about optimism and how optimists think, and I really want to convert my thinking patterns to a more possitive, healthy outlook. Frank is an optimist, and he is a very attractive person because of it. Optimists, according to the study I've done, have a sense of control over their emotions, a resiliency that they know they will spring back after difficult times, and difficult times will be shorter and less severe than pessimists. They are healthier, live longer, and happier than most people. And it isn't because they were hard wired that way. Apparently, you can gradually change your outlook on life. It takes practice, sometimes even "faking it until you make it." But it can be done.

I look into the mirror and see lines forming on my face. I'm going to be 50 next year -- not an attractive age for women, especially women who want to find a mate. I worry that I won't be able to attract men. Except that I did attract Frank at first. I think that I am much healthier now, and could be in a much healthier relationship. I'm ready to be truly in love with someone. My first marriage was abusive and contributed to my deep depression. My second marriage was all about the worst of my depression, which eventually drove him away. Not that I blame him.

I don't want to bring my borderline personality into another relationship.

I think I am depressed in part because I see myself as a failure in another relationship, and have a sense of hopelessness -- classical attitudes/signs of pessimism. An optimist would say, "He chose not to have me. It's his fault, not my failure. I know I can find a man who will return my affections."

So the question is: How do I get there from here? I want to believe that statement that it's not my failure, and that I can find a man who will love me.

Are there any optimists out there who can comment?

I mean, shouldn't I be grateful for the recovery that I've had from deep depression, finding and holding a very good job, and learning to fly? How can I see myself as lucky, instead of as defeated?

I mean, if I compare myself with the 9/11 victims or their families, I am extremely well off. Or the tragic people in Darfour. Or even other people in my DBT group. I have been called "a poster child of DBT."

So how do I get myself out of the victim mentality, the defeated mentality, the pessimistic mentality?

All I know to do is to try to change my thinking, go ahead and take another step forward, and hope that I will see results.