How the world turns

So I had a date with F, and it was DYNAMITE!!! Definitely going to see this guy again. He seems too good to be true. It's as if I have been picking guys that had problems all the time before because I didn't think I deserved a great guy. So I'm pushing my boundaries, and going out with a intelligent, handsome, successful, honest gentleman who frowns SEVERLY on cheating.

It seems everything is going so well. A new job, a new guy, a (alas!) requirement that I have to learn to fly (how cool is that???)... All so well. But my son (21 going on 22) is being sent home from the Buddhist monastery where he has been dedicated to becoming a monk. So he is going to be staying with me in my TINY little studio apartment for a couple of months. It is extremely tiny here. He'll have to sleep at the foot of my bed on the couch. So there will be no privacy. And in the past, we didn't get along very well. He can be very stubborn, to put it nicely. There has been a great deal of conflict between us in the past. But the abbot of the monastery assures me that my son has changed enormously since last I saw him.

Time for bed. Wish me luck when my son comes tomorrow.

Jobs and guys

At last I seem to be settling down a bit about my new job. On Thursday, the human resources woman reconfirmed that they would be making me an offer, but that it probably would be Monday or Tuesday before they could get back to me. With reminders that there is always a learning curve on any job, and that I KNOW how to write and edit, it seems to be a little more manageable. I'm still concerned about how I'm going to cut loose and see my T and my pdoc. But I figure maybe I can go in early, skip lunch, or something in order to cut out early. So my panic level is way down.

Now I have two guys on my tail, one of which is good news, the other is sad news. The sad news is that the one guy, I'll call him D, is really falling fast for me. He's handsome, brilliant, kind, compassionate, considerate--everything you could ask for in a guy. He's even done a lot of therapy and does something called Co-Counseling, which is peer-to-peer counseling. BUT, he broke his neck in a hangliding accident 20 years ago, and is paralyzed from the chest down. I gave him a kiss one day, which he turned into quite a passionate one, and he began to fall in love with me. That was on the first date! The long and the short of it is: I thought that as an EMT and having married a guy with a disability before, that I could handle him being in a wheelchair. But one day, he said, "I guess we could always meditate together instead of sex." That got me to thinking. I just can't give up sex. I would like to be selfless enough to say that I could, but I'm afraid I'd end up having an affair. So it seems like the only choice is to tell him when I see him tomorrow that I just can't handle it, that I thought I could, but I can't. It would be so much more cruel to let it go on, letting him become more and more attached with me, only to break it off down the road. And he's sad. He cries a lot. Now I've done plenty of crying in my life and there is nothing wrong with it. It's essential. But I'm ready to laugh in life. I've done my crying. I'm ready to be happy. But god it's going to be hard to face him and tell him that. It just seems like a chicken way out to tell him on the phone. But I'm still even considering that. If he can, I'd like to still be his friend, although I think some time would have to go by before we saw each other again. So that is something I'm dreading. My T said that I should be honest with him about how I'm really feeling. And Polar said that what I feel is what I feel and there's nothing wrong with it, or something to that effect. It's just so painful to turn down someone so special because of a disability. What a lousy reason!

In the meantime, I have met a guy online, F, that almost seems too good to be true. He's a computer network engineer and a former helicopter pilot. He lives about an hour or so away from me. But we talked last night and hit it off really well. We had several email exchanges that were quite good. So now we have a date planned to go to the Museum of Natural History and see the current exhibit which is supposed to be spectacular. And he is also brilliant, handsome, sensitive, etc. etc. But he is able bodied. And there is certainly some chemistry going on here. And unlike other pilots I've known, he's been alone for the last couple of years. And he's also getting his master's degree, just like I am. And for my job I may have to learn to fly, which gives us more in common. Plus he was an EMT like I am, although he rarely practiced. He flew in the Coast Guard for 10 years, then privately. Then went into computers "for love." He couldn't continue his marriage flying 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. So he gave up his passion for a marriage that didn't last.

At any rate, I want to pursue F because I feel like we're peers. We have more in common, not to mention a MUTUAL attraction.

But that doesn't make telling D that we can't be a couple any easier.

Love is so complicated and painful, regardless of the side of the fence you're on. So why do we want it so?

At least I'm in between courses. That would be all I need to go over the edge.

Bright future, hurting scars

I just heard today that I got a REAL job, one with benefits and everything. They are going to make me an offer by the end of the week.

I should be ecstatic, but I'm not. I don't know if it is shock, or what. I haven't had a permanent job in probably 10 years. I'll be writing and editing and possibly doing some instructional design. And I may need to learn to fly because I will be working on a program for commercial pilot training. I will have to use the on staff pilots as resident experts, and I hear that they do not like writers trying to write something about flying without knowing how to do it. The only real problem with flying, which I would be happy to do, is that I don't think I can pass the FAA medical exam because of all my meds and my diagnosis. The only way I think I could pass is if I tell them I haven't seen a doctor in years and that I'm healthy. In other words, lie.

And morally, I know that lying is wrong. In Buddhism, you are always supposed to speak the truth.

I'm actually feeling depressed. Why would that be? I need to call my T and see what she has to say. Maybe it is because I will be leaving an easy life for a hard one, regardless of the salary. I don't know how I'm going to finish school. It will be a heavy load to work on brain-draining stuff and then come home and study.

I feel like they are going to find out the truth about me, that I'm all bullshit, and then fire me. And I also feel like I'm going to be owned by a corporation.

So why am I not happy? I'm going to have financial security back in my life, and I will be providing it for me, not depending on a man for help. I know they were impressed with me, but I'm scared they are going to find out that I'm borderline. What if they find out? I'm only on a ton of meds.

I don't have enough professional clothes, although they are pretty casual over there. On Friday, I saw a woman wearing jeans and men in very casual shirts and pants. But I am either in the jeans category or the professional category, with nothing really in between to wear. Like this matters.

I may even be able to save up for a down payment on a house now. So the future looks bright. Why in the hell am I down??? And I dropped my class, so I basically have nothing to do until I start. So I could be studying for the position. Or I could be cleaning my house. But I'm scared to death. I don't know if I will be able to handle the position or not.

At least I don't feel like cutting. This job may mean that I won't be able to see my T any more, because she's with a low income program, and I will be making too much money.

My pdoc has started pulling me off one of my meds. I wonder if I'll be able to continue that or not?

I need to go meditate or read my DBT book.

Drowning. Need help!

I keep repeatedly "stabbing" myself with an invisible knife in the chest -- all because I dropped the graduate course when it was almost over. I just can't take failure. I am such a loser. I don't know why I couldn't complete it. I was having trouble concentrating because of my meds, but that doesn't seem like enough reason. I was having no support or guidance from my professor, but that doesn't seem like enough, either. It will mean I will have an extra quarter to take before my master's is over. There just wasn't enough structure for me, even though I don't need that much, but still that isn't enough of a reason not to condemn myself. I should have done it. I need to figure out why I couldn't do it. It was a PhD independent study course, and I'm just a Master's student, but I should have been able to do it. Maybe my motivation to finish school is waning.

And jobs are disappearing, and I've bought work clothes, and now I don't have anyplace to wear them, except at my temp job. How am I going to make it? My life is swimming down the sink hole. I'm caught in a whirlpool undertow and am drowning. Nothing is going well for me.

I need to go get groceries, wash clothes and get ready for work bright and early tomorrow morning. Maybe the structure of the day will help me. I will be grading math for standardized tests. That should keep me intellectually occupied.

But all I feel like doing at home is watching movies or tv. And there is nothing on tv. I am just in a slump. I don't want to study. But I do need my Master's to get a job. I'm trying to get everything from writing/editing to technical writing to instructional design, but all I'm getting is temporary work. All the people who called me with leads have since found out that the company is restructuring the job, or that they didn't call back because of my lack of qualifications.

I am afraid that I'm going to end up on the street.

Fear, pain, and more fear, and guilt. I should have done better with my life. I looked like such a promising student. BPD has gotten in the way, as well as severe major depression. I just have trouble snapping out of moods like this, and have trouble doing what needs to be done in my life. It's like I freeze, like a wild animal in the headlights of a car.

No contact with anyone. Feel so all alone and defeated. Can't even find a guy that I want to date. Failure, failure, failure. I'm supposed to let the negative feelings pass through me without judgement. Easier said than done. And I'm not practicing meditation, so I do not have my faith to rely upon.

I alternate between placing my hands in a prayerful position (in gassho in Buddhist terms) and thrusting that invisible knife in my chest.

I need help. I won't see my T for another 12 days. I could talk to her if my phone had reception in the area that I worked, and if I had more time for personal calls. But I don't. I feel on my own and like I'm drowning in a turbulent sea. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to drown.

Dropping like flies

I am making a couple of difficult decisions.

One is that I am considering dropping my current class. I am way too far behind, and though I'm passed the dropping point where I can avoid an F, my advisor will say that I was trying to drop before that and put it as a dropped Withdrawing. It will have no affect on my GPA. It's an independent study at a PhD level, and while I love the topic, I just can't seem to handle the fact that I'm getting absolutely NO guidance whatsoever from the professor. I feel tired, like I need to rest. Dropping it would mean that I would have to take one more course to get my Master's, and so mean 3 left plus the thesis. I just don't think I can finish this, though. I don't know what's wrong with me. It really isn't an important course for my degree; it's an elective that was interesting. And ALL the classes I take next, regardless of how many there are, will be deliberately the easiest I can take and still get through with my degree. There is a slim possibility that because of the difficulty that I have had concentrating because of the drug interactions, or because of one drug in particular, that I could receive my tuition money credited toward another course. All it would take would be a doctor's letter.

It is so difficult for me to accept what appears to be defeat, but I just think that a class with no structure or guidance from a professor is just too much for me, at least right now. I really thought I could do it.

And another potential drop: The guy that is the big flirt is starting to get on my nerves with all his sexual innuendo without a balance of any intellectual, professional, and/or personal background to balance it. I mean, it's been years since I've been with a guy, and it would be nice, but I want some depth there. Besides, I think he is too Catholic for me. My last husband was a non-practicing Catholic, and I could good-naturedly tease him about being a "Catholic boy" when he went too far in the guilt/sin direction. But with this guy, I'm afraid that I would offend him with my religious jokes (I joke about Buddhism too). And there is something about all the guilt/sin/shame that makes sex kinky instead of beautiful and open. I'm not into kinky sex. I'm into passionate in-the-now sex. But in a relationship that goes beyond skin deep.

I want to find an intellectual liberal that meets my needs and vice versa. I have emailed a guy who fits the bill. He is an electrical engineer. The only problem is that he wants children, and I don't know if I can handle it. He's in a wheelchair, (a hang gliding accident 20 years ago) but that doesn't bother me. He's romantically capable. He's very handsome and adventuresome, and 7 years my junior. He's currently dating somebody for two weeks. I told him I didn't want to be the cause of their breakup. But he said that if I was willing, that he'd still like to continue a conversation with me. He finds me beautiful and intriguing. The last thing I need, though, is a repeat of falling for a "taken" man. (Shades of John.)

I'm depressed. I feel like I have nothing to offer a guy. I don't have a booming career, I'm the world's WORST housekeeper, I have BPD, my doctor says that I'm not ovulating any more, although I truly don't know if I want kids or not. I know I'm impatient about a relationship, but it feels like I'm ready for one now. (A healthy, fun, intellectual one.)

And jobs are coming my way, then disappearing into the mist. That's a lot of rejection. I guess the only healthy thing is that I am rejecting guys that truly don't seem good for me. I'm also being rejected by others.

I don't know why I'm down. Maybe I'll work on my DBT book. My T and I started to go through the Emotional Regulation section privately, since it doesn't seem that I'm going to get an opportunity to go through that class with others.

Such is life.