Am I crazy? I'm talking with a man I've never met.

So I only "met" this man on Match.com yesterday, and today we must have talked on the phone five times. And now he is flirting with me in a pretty serious way. He makes me laugh. But he mentioned in passing having a "break down" 10 years ago. I guess in some ways I'm relieved. It will make it easier to talk about my BPD when the time comes. Or maybe he was joking. I'll find out soon enough.

But I haven't been with a man physically in years. I feel flattered by his attentions, and he's a Catholic btw, so it is pretty tame flirting. Which brings up a point. I have been attracted to several Catholic men over the years; married one of them. But I HAVEN'T EVEN MET THE GUY YET. He seems very honest, from what I can pick up through our lengthy conversations, and from what he professes.

I'm not getting any schoolwork done, but then, I haven't been getting anything done for weeks and weeks anyway. I'm just so unmotivated to get this project done. And this guy is a nice, light-hearted distraction. I let him know that I needed to be studying tomorrow, though. Now we'll just see if I do it.

He asked me if I liked --either cuddling or to be touched, I can't remember which, but that led me to spontaneously say that it had been so long I couldn't remember when I was last held. That seemed to take him aback. And it sort of startled me that I was so open. It's just that it has been a long time, and I can't remember what it felt like. It sounded a little sad to me. I guess I was feeling sadness and compassion for myself --like, oh, that's too bad for her, meaning me.

I want to be cautious with this guy. He also sounds like the sort of guy that falls in love easily. And that unnerves me a little bit. I don't know if I can fall in love again. I don't know if I should ALLOW myself to fall in love again.

How fucked up can one life be?

Ok, I know this is going to sound stupid. I'm in graduate school, and I'm currently drowning in the course I'm in. I'm looking for a job which is a full time job in itself. I need to prepare for interviews on subjects that i took in grad school but that I was on too many FUCKING meds that gave me amnesia to remember what I previously learned. My son (this is good news) has been accepted into the Buddhist monastery in SE of Seattle, where he'll be safe. But this and other things have been making me consider moving to the Seattle area, or at least the west coast. And now, since I have been an Emergency Medical Technician for 12 years, it's time to renew and I need my continuing education hours. And I don't want to give it up. So when am I going to fit that little fucking thing in? But I don't want to lose it. I've worked too hard to get it and to maintain it. And if I move to Washington, I want to have the certification.

But how many times can you divide a person into pieces? I feel like cutting again, but I won't. I just have the compulsion.

Oh, and then just to make it interesting, I went on a date with a handsome, funny, brilliant, man but with extremely WEIRD, complex, convoluted mystical beliefs that include people from Venus running the world. The first part of the date was hilarious, the second grueling as we went into detail about his beliefes for HOURS. Now I don't have a problem with other people's beliefs: they're welcome to believe whatever they want to believe. But sometimes ANYONE of ANY spiritual belief can go way overboard. He didn't even kiss me goodnight. But he did tell me he had a problem with commitment. At that point, I was thinking, no problem here. But hell, it was nice to be out with a man and on a date. It's the first date I've had in years. But what the hell was I doing on a date when I'm so swamped that I'm thinking about cutting?

Is there a doctor in the house?

Burned out, flunking out of school, & lonely

I don't know what is wrong with me. I just can't seem to concentrate on studying. I should have never taken this independent study course, even if it is an interesting topic. It's just too hard for me. The professor will give me an extension, but I don't tend to finish classes with extensions.

I'm concentrating my energy now on two things: finding a job, and recently, signing up for online dating services. But the job search has been by far the biggest time consumer. I really need a job badly. And it's turning out to be more difficult than I thought. It's so time consuming! Like a job in itself. And meantime, I just don't give a shit about school. I'm so close to the end though. Finish this class, then 2 more structured classes, then the applied thesis. I'm trying to go into industry, but all my studying has been in the academic end, and employers are picky about that.

And I'm looking into internet dating because I'm tired of coming home and not being able to tell someone how my day went. I miss a companion. I'm not desperate or anything. I don't feel like i have to have a partner. I am happy living alone. But I'm also lonely. I want a partner to share things with: life experiences, adventures, traveling, snuggling, how the day went. I look at the guys they match me with, and either they are too old (I look and feel young for my age), or they are triathletes looking for another triathlete. I'm not young anymore, and I do have a few too many pounds, but not excessively so. I'm within the normal weight range for my height and age, but that is not looking like a model.

I'm having thoughts of cutting, but not acting on them. Not even close. But it bugs me that they are there. I feel like a failure.

And I miss John. Damn him for choosing to stay in an abusive marriage. And I compare every possible "match" to him, and they end up lacking.

I guess I'm just depressed. Lots of rejections from jobs and from men and not doing well in school. I'm not supposed to feel depressed, damn it! I'm on enough meds to tranquilize an elephant. I call friends, and they're not home. Out doing something nice for the long weekend, no doubt.

Oh, and to top it off, I've gained EIGHT pounds. I don't know how. But I've got to lose them.

At least my dogs are loving to me. Maybe I should blow off the dating crap and just concentrate on school. As if I CAN concentrate on school.

My thanks, walking disasters, and fake recoveries

If you read nothing else, please skim down to the bottom of the blog so that I can thank you.

Things are supposedly going well. I'm getting interest in me for contract positions in instructional design. But, using my usual word, I panic about the idea of interviewing. The meds erased much of my early learning in my master's degree, the part where I learned how to be an instructional designer. My T says that I should reread the books. But I'm having trouble focusing, especially on school work. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER take an independent study class. I need the structure, especially since going to school online isn't very structured to begin with.

My day job stopped, and I'm going downhill. I got back on eBay again. And I've been thinking about self-harm. I'm so disappointed because I was doing so well with work and school, and now I'm falling apart.

I had hoped that I was getting better, but now it seems like it was just a period when I was doing better. I haven't cut, at least. But I am self-medicating regularly with Percocet and Xanax. I had virtually eliminated both of them. But I'm still not well. DBT helped, but since I started the temporary work, I haven't been able to go back and finish the final sessions on Emotional Regulation. This is the second time I've had to miss it. And with my T cancelling my session last week when I really needed to see her, I'm feeling hopeless.

At least my son isn't living at home any more so he doesn't have to go through my ups and downs.

And of all the stupid things, I'm thinking seriously (I've already filled out the questionnaire) about joining eHarmony, the online dating service that matches you with people you might be potentially compatible with. And when am I going to squeeze this in? Am I bloody crazy? But I'm many of my friends are married, and I miss not having someone to come home to and say "this is how my day went," and then hear about their day. I don't have much time to date, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to put a lot of time into dating, anyway. I think I'll be much more picky. Like I want someone with an advanced degree, preferably a PhD or an MD, but I don't think a lawyer. And I want them to be kind, compassionate, considerate, and organized in ways that I'm not. Like a math professor. (Shades of John, I guess; but he seemed so perfect except for the TINY detail that he was married. Never doing that again.)

We've reduced one of my meds a little, in part because it was causing me to shake, but also because I think it might be interfering with my memory. I have to reread things again and again to get them. You can't do that on a job like an instructional designer.

And I want to finish my degree. I've found out some good news: There are some easier classes that I can take to finish out my program. I still have the applied thesis. And one of the classes is the theoretical basis of instructional design, so maybe it can be a good review for me. IF I get through this stupid term. I am very far behind.

I guess I'm disappointed that what looked like a permanent upswing was just temporary. Maybe if I get back working it will help. I need to be with people. Not being with people I can at last see is not doing me any good.

I feel like a fool. I post when I'm in despair, and don't post when I'm doing better. More like a hypocrit.

And I think I've lost, or am losing, my faith in Buddhism. It's been a very long time since i meditated.

Another day, another lack of accomplishing things, like studying for school, or for an interview. Or cleaning up my trashed apartment. I sometimes wish I had a touch of OCD so that I would be cleaner and neater. My apologies to all who suffer from OCD; I know it's not fun and can seriously hamper your lives. It's just that I'm totally disorganized. And the disaster area makes me overwhelmed. It just seems easier to try to totally ignore the mess than to actually clean up, which would probably take weeks. If I do get a job, I'm thinking about (gulp) having a maid come in and help me for a few days. I'm so disorganized, I don't even balance my check book. I don't keep a running total. I just write checks and keep asking the bank how much money I have in my account.

I'm a walking disaster.

Well, the meds are kicking in, so I'm getting sleepy. And i don't want to sleep in so that I can take the calls that come in, like one from the recruiter for this job that's opening up. I figure I have at least some chance of getting it because there are 5 slots available, plus an advanced position. So they are going to need everyone they can get their hands on. I guess that may include me, if I can just make it past the interview.

If you've read this far, I just want to say thank you to my online community who shares so much of my hope and pain. I wish I could say how much each of you means to me. You have been my lifeline when nobody else was there. Please know that I take your comments to heart and really, really appreciate them.