My degree may be useless--panicking!

I am getting my Master's degree in Instructional Design for computer/web-based learning, but I just learned this morning from another Instructional Designer that the market for these jobs are rapidly drying up for various reasons. Now, after the one I'm taking now, I only have 3 more courses to take, but I'm running up my student loans something terrible. The woman I spoke with has been a professor as well as an instructional designer and is currently working low wage temporary jobs. My carpool rider is is a PhD with a Post Doc, and can't get a professional job, much less a university or even community college position, and he really wants to teach. So I'm really discouraged about finishing my degree. I will just owe more in student loans, and it may be a worthless piece of paper, other than just saying I have a Master's degree.

I am working at a job doing state test assessments for elementary and middle school students, which means I read, analyze, make a judgement call and sit in front of a computer screen all day, plus drive 120 miles round trip. So my brain is fried when I get home from work, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get my brain to do anymore work. So I am WAY behind in school with a deadline tomorrow that probably is impossible to meet. I'm considering dropping the course. And I'm also considering dropping out of school. I am so close to finishing, though, and I can't help but think that a Master's degree might mean something out in the world. I've seen ads for Instructional Designers asking for a Master's degree.

It looks like I will go back to technical writing or some such, or bring in some extra income by reading and editing manuscripts for book publishers or packagers. That doesn't pay much. Although instructional design was a hot field and paid well when I started back to school, it is quickly being replaced by publishing companies who convert textbooks into online material.

I am faced with getting a useless degree, although having a Master's might put me ahead of someone who doesn't have a master's. I just don't know if it's financially worth it.

And as I am working a very brain-draining job (temporary), I come home at night and the last thing I want to do is read my books and articles or sit in front of a computer, which is what I do all day. I am just flat out tired and can't concentrate on studies except on weekends.

I am absolutely terror struck. I can always fall back on technical writing/editing (at least I hope so). But I'm 49 years old, living below the poverty level, don't have insurance or Social Security to fall back on.

When I started the degree, it was a hot field, but now it is drying up. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have been living off my student loans. But now I don't even know if I can finish this term, especially because the class I'm taking is independent study, which means I'm creating my own course plus doing the work for it. Stupid decision, that. I should have gone with a structured class. It wouldn't be nearly as much work.

I have been off of Xanax now for almost a month, until today. I was doing so well. My T says what I needed was a job and a vacation. But jobs at my age are getting hard to come by. I have low living expenses out of necessity. I need the student loans to live on, but I can't function working at this temporary job AND going to school. It's not just that I'm grades are slipping; it's that I don't seem to be able to do the work at all.

PLUS--MED issues. When I have been at work, I noticed that I am much slower than everyone else when I used to be very fast and quick at work, and I can't analyze and make judgements very well. I thought it was timidity, and it might be that, but my brain is in a fog. I'm taking Wellbutrin, Abilify, and Prozac. I'm going to talk to my p-doc about cutting down on the meds. I am stable now and do not have any thoughts of hurting myself. A friend of mine suggested that I might be medicated for a level when I was unstable, but now that I am stable, I don't need the power push of all those drugs. I hope she's right. It would give my liver a break too.

BOTTOM LINE: I don't know how I'm going to support myself. I'm just barely getting by as it is.

I might need to consider moving to a different part of the country, probably the west coast, but I don't know where. I'm not sure where the jobs are. I also might need to fall back on my technical writing skills, which would be fine. I just want a full time job. WITH benefits. I'm very worried that I will be retired and not only not have a house of my own, but also living in poverty. All this and I nearly have my Master's degree. Just 3 more courses after this one, but they will be tough, especially if I have a job that pays above minimum wage. I'm very unhappy in secretarial/administrative assistant positions. I feel under employed, and I work much harder with little reward. I really want a professional position, even if it pays the same as being an administrative assistant.

One thing good about all this is that I haven't been on eBay for 6 weeks or so, which is great.

Am I going to be in poverty all my life? And how am I going to meet a soul mate if I'm stuck at home?

Another possibility for income would be reading, assessing and content editing of books on the side. But I certainly couldn't be going to school while doing that and a full time job. And the pay is not that great, but everything adds up.

I don't know what to do about school. Should I stay in school and finish my Master's after so much work and good grades, or should I quit and look for writing/editing jobs? I can't talk to my school about this, because they are going to say "Of course our graduates are getting jobs." I have to keep my cell phone off at the job I am now, so it is hard to do anything like contact my school advisor, or contact potential employers for jobs.

I am discouraged, depressed, and scared. And what if my symptoms of BPD return?

Does anybody have any advice? I am desperate for it.

One last note, I have not been keeping up with others' blogs because of my insane schedule, but I do apologize. Just know that my thoughts are with you all, and I hope you are doing at least ok, if not well.

panicking on weekends; timid at work

I am working 36 hours at grading student's state tests for reading comprehension. It takes me an hour commute each day. Because I sit in front of a computer and read all day, the last thing I want to do is to read or sit in front of the computer at night (in other words, do my school work). So I just jell out in front of the TV instead of studying. So I am getting way behind. That makes the weekends very panicky for me. The weekdays go by so fast that I don't have time to get nervous, and thus am not taking any anti-anxiety pills, except on the weekends, when I have my panic attacks. That's when I realize how much I have to do in school, and how little time left I have to do it in. But it is almost impossible for me to study at night. I guess I'll have to contact my professor.

Saw my T on Thursday, and she said it looks like what I needed was a job and a vacation. The vacation because it seemed to clean me out and I have let go of J. and the triangle with he and his wife, largely because he won't contact me., but also because I have no feelings left for him except a mild compassion. On the job I am so focused that I don't have time to get nervous. But it won't last forever. I doubt if it will last beyond this week, or maybe next. I don't know if I'll get called back or not for the next round of testing. But it costs so much in gas (120 mile round trip in a Jeep) that I don't know if it will be worthwhile for me to continue on or not.

I've noticed that I am the one at my table who is always asking other people what they think I should grade when the call is very close between two points. The other people either don't ask, or only rarely ask. I think I am both afraid of screwing up, and a perfectionist--I don't want to give it the wrong score. I've been trying to stop myself from asking so much and telling myself, "You figure it out! It's a judgement call." I try to think that the other people are making judgement calls, so I shouldn't be afraid, and I should go ahead and make the call. Either I'm right or I'm wrong. I just don't want to be wrong so much. I'm also afraid that if I make wrong calls I won't get called back for other scoring opportunities; yet if I ask all the time, I stand a chance of not getting called back anyway.

Why am I so timid??? I'm making A's in graduate school. I made A's in high school. Is there anything I can do to become less timid? I am concerned that after I get my degree, I won't be capable of leading a software design team. I'm afraid that I just don't have what it takes to be a leader, and so won't get hired. I haven't worked professionally in so long that I don't have references, so I don't know how I'd get a job. What do I say? Trust me? Or, I've been sick a long time but now I'm better, so hire me? That won't go over very well. If I do get hired, will I be so timid and uncertain that I won't be able to make decisions on the fly? I think that might happen. I have been so timid all my life that I have never been a good leader.

Are there any DBT skills that will help me with my timidity? Was it beaten into me by my step-father and his abuse? I can remember being much younger and being more confident. I'm certain he did a lot to damage my self-esteem. But what can I do to repair it? And in a hurry?

I am worried that I will run out of money. I made very little last year and was in the bottom 10% of taxes, but I don't qualify for social security.

Sorry for the lack of regular posts, but I have been out of town and working, and it seems that I don't have time for anything but school, and not even enough time for that. I appreciate all of you who have written and been so supportive. I really need it, and am grateful for it.

Back from CA, and lonely

I had a wonderful trip to California (just north of Santa Barbara) and with my friends. She is a writer, so we talked shop a lot. He is an Emergency Helicopter Flight Nurse. He can save your life in a heartbeat. But the best part about it was relaxing on the beach and going whale watching. We saw Gray Whales.

And a surprise to me since I have said that I am happy living alone is how lonely I am now that I am back. I start a temporary job tomorrow, and there will be a lot of people to talk with there. But it makes me think about dating again. But with going to school (new quarter just started), working, and pretending to write a novel, I just don't see how I'll have the time.

I keep busy--doing taxes, starting my school reading, cleaning up my apartment, and preparing for work--a 1 1/2 to 2 hour commute.

But it comes down to me waiting to see if any of my friends are online, if anyone has emailed me, etc.

Plus I am worried about my ability to get hired in my graduate school area of expertise. I haven't worked in a long time in my field, and money is running low. I don't even know if I'm psychologically ready for a full time job.

Most of all, though, I'm lonely. Yet I'm an introvert, not an extrovert. I don't know how I can make new friends very easily. Good friends are hard to come by. I just hope that the friends who have patiently put up with my sporadic posting will continue to be my friends.

I'm trying to role with the feelings of depression and loneliness. I have a sign on my computer that says "It is a wave that will pass." This refers to any strong emotion. I just hope that I can tolerate the emotions.