Frank and Jerry

Well, I had my little datelet with Jerry. He had already started a beer before I arrived. The waitress came over to take my order, and asked if we would be eating. Jerry said no. When the waitress asked if I wanted another drink, Jerry said no, and that he had to get back to the office. He had had a terrible day witnessing a good friend be fired, so I know he was under a lot of stress. He hugged me goodbye and said "keep in touch." Yeah, right. If he wants to keep in touch, he can. I thought about giving him a call later and just clarifying that he didn't want to see me again. It must have been a wierd first date for him with the heartbreaking news of his friend, then trying to get to know someone in a light hearted way.

But the reality is that I miss Frank. I sobbed yesterday over him. I want to get back together with him, but don't know any way other than seeing him occasionally. The thing is, I am going to be going to ground school pretty soon, then graduate school, and I'm not going to have time to make any new boyfriends. And I don't want any more. I want Frank. I've taken two Xanax, and maybe will take a percocet. I called the hotline and they weren't much help. They said read my DBT book. At least the counselor that I talked to after hours yesterday suggested that I contact my doctor about meds, and that I contact my T for an appointment, and I've done both.

I want so much to be with him again. And then the rejection of this new guy Jerry didn't help. I was hoping to have him at least as a transitional relationship. Now that graduate school is coming up again, and that flight school is coming up, I just don't see how I'll have any time for a social life, and I really want to have one. I've lived alone long enough, especially if you count the years I lived alone at the end of my last marriage.

I don't know if I'll go back to graduate school or not. But it would certainly keep me busy, and I wouldn't have time to think if I was lonely.

Loving someone who doesn't return your love is agony. I know you can't make him love me. And I don't want to put the pressure on him to feel like he has to behave in a certain way.

Maybe Jerry was just having a bad day. It sounds like a very bad day. But I still think it's fair to know if he wants to see me again. That seems only right. None of this ambivilant "keep in touch" shit.

I have take 2 Xanax and some percocet to cope with the pain. It's making me very sleepy, and sleep is a very good escape.

The only way to find a love is to keep putting your heart out there, hoping to find someone. That takes a lot of guts. But i really do want to find somebody with a caring heart. I want that more than casual interest.


I think I'll call Jerry instead of Frank and clarify things. I'd just as soon not hope for Jerry if there is nothing there.