Clarifications
So I emailed Jerry, and he said that we just weren't the right fit. Oh well. That had to be the quickest date I ever had.
But I got an email from Frank, who wants to see me this weekend. I don't know if I'll spend the night or not, but at least we will get to go see wolves in a wolf sanctuary, have coffee, then have breakfast. His school is starting, so I know he will be busy. But that's ok. I'll get to see him.
His birthday is on the 24th, and I've decided to give him a sailplane (glider) flight as a gift. He's a helicopter pilot and has been up in a sailplane once, but would like to get back into it. He doesn't celebrate birthdays, but with any luck, I won't give him the chance to turn me down. Then in the first part of September my ground school starts, then in October, grad school starts. So I should be considerably busier. And hopefully not thinking about Frank as much.
I will see my T tomorrow early afternoon. At last. We can talk about the situation with Frank and see if it is something that I can accept for what it is, or not. I hope he and I continue to have occasional sex, but realize he might not be open to that. I just don't think I'm going to find someone I'm better matched to than him. I'm going to pull out of eHarmony. There's not going to be time to date anyone with school coming up anyway. And the only one I want to see is Frank.
I guess I just wasn't prepared for the reality of what calling it off with him would mean.
I think my sister thinks that things could progress over time if I would just relax and stop pushing. Maybe so. We can be companions. We're good companions.
I think that my reg. md may have found a solution to Xanax -- Neurontin. It should help me sleep, too, though not very strongly. I just have to get past my flight medical exam. They're not real sure how Neurontin works, but it is supposed to relieve pain and anxiety and cause you to be sleepy. It also doesn't metabolize in the body, and so won't show up on a drug test.
The crisis hotline suggested that I call my doctor and explain everything to her and what my goals were with the FAA. So I did. And the woman also suggested that I make an appointment with my T, which I have (it's tomorrow). My boss even told me to take the afternoon off WITHOUT working. That will be tough for me. I have to find a way to keep busy. Work isn't enough. Maybe I'll finally get off my lazy butt and start exercising and be able to go skiing with Frank. I know he'd like that very much. So he wants to be with me, just not as much as I want to be with him. I'm the only one who can decide if that's ok or not. He is just such a fabulous man, such a good fit, that it seems crazy to pass the opportunity by to continue to see him, even if it is not as much as I want.
What part of this is compulsive neediness on my part, and what part of it is realistically wanting someone who wants me as much as I want them? Neediness seems to be a big part. Radical Acceptance like in DBT would be so helpful. Just accept things the way they are.
I have a long way to go to come to peace with my heart. Maybe I tried to artificially end it too soon with Frank by demanding that he see me more. He's not scared off. That part is unbelievable.
My son is moving out August 24th, and that will be both a big relief, and a lonely thing. I need my space. I just need to get back to doing some of the things that I used to do, like watch more movies and read. I listen to music, but it reminds me of my heart breaking. I am having trouble concentrating at work. Again, it's Frank.
Is it possible to grow in love over time if one of us stops being so pressuring? (me, of course). Or am I wasting my time? He's such a good man, I can't believe it would be wasting my time. At this point it certainly seems worth the risk, and I am definitely a risk taker. I think I am an overachiever, at least right now, because I'm trying to avoid my feelings of pain. But I think it would be better if I just cried. I need to have a good cry to get in touch with my pain and stop pushing it away.
At least I know he cares about me as a special friend. We're just going to have to define what "special" means.
But I got an email from Frank, who wants to see me this weekend. I don't know if I'll spend the night or not, but at least we will get to go see wolves in a wolf sanctuary, have coffee, then have breakfast. His school is starting, so I know he will be busy. But that's ok. I'll get to see him.
His birthday is on the 24th, and I've decided to give him a sailplane (glider) flight as a gift. He's a helicopter pilot and has been up in a sailplane once, but would like to get back into it. He doesn't celebrate birthdays, but with any luck, I won't give him the chance to turn me down. Then in the first part of September my ground school starts, then in October, grad school starts. So I should be considerably busier. And hopefully not thinking about Frank as much.
I will see my T tomorrow early afternoon. At last. We can talk about the situation with Frank and see if it is something that I can accept for what it is, or not. I hope he and I continue to have occasional sex, but realize he might not be open to that. I just don't think I'm going to find someone I'm better matched to than him. I'm going to pull out of eHarmony. There's not going to be time to date anyone with school coming up anyway. And the only one I want to see is Frank.
I guess I just wasn't prepared for the reality of what calling it off with him would mean.
I think my sister thinks that things could progress over time if I would just relax and stop pushing. Maybe so. We can be companions. We're good companions.
I think that my reg. md may have found a solution to Xanax -- Neurontin. It should help me sleep, too, though not very strongly. I just have to get past my flight medical exam. They're not real sure how Neurontin works, but it is supposed to relieve pain and anxiety and cause you to be sleepy. It also doesn't metabolize in the body, and so won't show up on a drug test.
The crisis hotline suggested that I call my doctor and explain everything to her and what my goals were with the FAA. So I did. And the woman also suggested that I make an appointment with my T, which I have (it's tomorrow). My boss even told me to take the afternoon off WITHOUT working. That will be tough for me. I have to find a way to keep busy. Work isn't enough. Maybe I'll finally get off my lazy butt and start exercising and be able to go skiing with Frank. I know he'd like that very much. So he wants to be with me, just not as much as I want to be with him. I'm the only one who can decide if that's ok or not. He is just such a fabulous man, such a good fit, that it seems crazy to pass the opportunity by to continue to see him, even if it is not as much as I want.
What part of this is compulsive neediness on my part, and what part of it is realistically wanting someone who wants me as much as I want them? Neediness seems to be a big part. Radical Acceptance like in DBT would be so helpful. Just accept things the way they are.
I have a long way to go to come to peace with my heart. Maybe I tried to artificially end it too soon with Frank by demanding that he see me more. He's not scared off. That part is unbelievable.
My son is moving out August 24th, and that will be both a big relief, and a lonely thing. I need my space. I just need to get back to doing some of the things that I used to do, like watch more movies and read. I listen to music, but it reminds me of my heart breaking. I am having trouble concentrating at work. Again, it's Frank.
Is it possible to grow in love over time if one of us stops being so pressuring? (me, of course). Or am I wasting my time? He's such a good man, I can't believe it would be wasting my time. At this point it certainly seems worth the risk, and I am definitely a risk taker. I think I am an overachiever, at least right now, because I'm trying to avoid my feelings of pain. But I think it would be better if I just cried. I need to have a good cry to get in touch with my pain and stop pushing it away.
At least I know he cares about me as a special friend. We're just going to have to define what "special" means.
posted by borderline savvy at 4:32 PM
2 Comments:
Sorry things didn't work out with Jerry, but I am glad that you could get in to see your T yesterday.
Hope you will at least have something to look forward to on F's birthday.
Take care
Polar B.
My name is Karen Tobin and i would like to show you my personal experience with Neurontin.
I have taken for 4 months. I am 54 years old. Was taking 1800 mg per day for pain, numbness and scalp soreness. It helped immensely and right now am weaning off of it taking 300mg two times daily with no noticeable side effects.
I have experienced some of these side effects-
Drowsiness and dizziness.
I hope this information will be useful to others,
Karen Tobin
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