Afraid of the job but not of flying

Frank with the wolves at the wolf sanctuary. Me in the background.


I am panicked because my job is very hard. They want an enormous amount of work done in a very short time period, and I don't think that I can do it. The other writer feels the same way. They keep changing things up on us, and yet still expect us to meet the original deadline. I am trying to cope with this, but I keep thinking: "I'm going to get fired." I don't know if I will or not. I guess probably not. But it doesn't make the stress go away. I am still taking Xanax, which I have to quit in order to take the FAA's pilot physical and be able to pass the drug test. But it's not going to help at work if I freak out, either. I'm having to choose surviving for the short term over surviving for the long term. It sucks. I tend to get tunnel vision when I am panicking and can't see anything else but the fear. Then I lock up and am not able to work. I stayed home today for the cable guy to come in, but I haven't heard from him. He was supposed to have been here already. I was going to go into work this afternoon, but it's looking like I'm not going to make it.

But flying is going well. I seem to have a knack for it. The instructor said I was the most fearless student he's ever had. I love doing steep turns. Yesterday, he put us into a spin, and I loved it. He said that he's going to have to stop babying me, because I'm not scared like the others. I also nearly did a zero G move on my own (where everything in the cabin floats in the air). He thinks I will love doing aerobatics, and I think he's right. At least something is going well.

I called Frank while he was in Texas on his birthday last week, and he seemed genuinely happy to hear from me. Then, after he drove 15-16 hours back home, I called him on Saturday to make sure he arrived safely. I think he likes having someone concerned about him. But now that his brother is moving to town, that duty will pass from me. We still email back and forth. He seems to want to keep me as a good friend, too. I'm glad, even though I'm still disappointed that it is not going to be something more.

On Saturday, I cancelled a first-time date with Dave because my cold was still lingering. We are making plans on getting together this weekend, though he wants to talk closer to the end of the week.

I went to Great Expectations to see if I wanted to join their dating service. It is really expensive. But all the people there are looking for marriage, so that weeds out quite a few. They also do background checks on everyone, which is nice. If you have a criminal record, then they don't accept you. But a big part of me says that I shouldn't join until I get over Frank. I will probably be comparing every guy to him, and that's not fair for anybody. The woman from GE is hounding me on the phone, continuously making better offers to try to get me to decide to join now. I have been ducking her phone calls. She obviously really wants her commission. I think that a part of me wants to join now so that I can get over Frank by replacing him with another. I guess that would work, although I'm not sure it is the healthiest way to do it. It would be a distraction, but I doubt if I would be as open as I would normally be since I'm still getting over Frank. The whole premise of GE is that you are encouraged to not settle for the person that you bump in to, only to find yourself in love with someone who is not compatible. So they encourage people to continue dating until the chemistry finds you. I don't know if I'm up for dating so many people. Some women apparently juggle several --up to ten--guys at the same time. I couldn't do that. I wish I could just be content again to be alone.

It's just that Frank and I started out so well. Then he lost interest, though I wasn't following his lead. I still was nuts about him. It took me quite a while to get over John, so I wouldn't be surprised if it takes me a long time to get over Frank.

In the meantime, I will start ground school in another week, and that and work should keep me very busy.

Since the cable company hasn't called yet, I may not go into work today. I don't want to have to miss another day of work by staying home for something so dumb as a cable guy. I guess it's better to completely trash one day, than to do it again and again.

What is a borderline doing with a full-time job anyway? I just don't know if I'm going to be able to handle this stress. At least the other writer is having the same problems.

Guess I'll go back and try to work at least a little while from home.

Are there any other borderlines or other people who are having a hard time coping with a job and the symptoms?