Killing myself: Which way?

I'm doing it again. I'm buying things on eBay. Things I don't need. Things I can't afford. Things that I'll have to do without--like meds and food.

What is the difference between me stabbing myself now, or killing myself by getting thrown onto the street? I'm killing myself either way. I'd never survive on the street.

I am spending time on eBay instead of studying for my exam on Monday. It is consuming my life. I guess that was a pun there...

I called the hotline, and they said go to debtorsanonymous.org, which I did, and I certainly fit the bill. But one of the symptoms of BPD is compulsive spending. So I'm assuming it's a part of my disease.

I hate the place where I've gotten myself to. I didn't tell them at the hotline that I was still considering cutting my forearms up and down. That's a good way to die, by the way. Really hard to stop the bleeding. She asked if I was safe and I said yes, and we talked about the spending. But I'm critically low on funds. This is just another form of suicide--financial suicide.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm having a panic attack. I'm trying to study, but there is so much information to go over that I don't know yet. Time is running out. The pressure of it all is overwhelming. And yet I refuse to go to a hospital. Talk about spending money! I'd never be able to pay it off. And I don't have insurance and am not covered by Medicaid.

I don't know what the hell to do. Maybe I'll just turn off my computer and try to stay away from it tonight. I'll have to deal with the prospects of winning all those things when the time comes. Cameras, software. Along with this week's watches. What the fuck am I doing to myself? I haven't had the opportunity to talk to my T about my compulsive spending yet. I see her on Tuesday if I can last til then. How destructive can I possibly be to myself. And cutting might help. But I'm not into the slash your wrists kind of cuts. I'm talking about deep bloody, need to go to the hospital cuts, cuts that could threaten my life.

I just don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe the hell with it all. I can't talk to my son, because he doesn't want family influence, and I can't talk to my family because, they are family after all. I don't have a friend I can talk to about this. I'm stuck. It's just me and my place. My dogs may keep me alive because I don't want anything to happen to them. So what the fuck? I'm losing it. I can't keep myself together.

Fucked up & suicidal

Where to begin? I didn't get the job that I was hoping for, and it has had a bigger impact on me than I would have thought. From dreams of the type of life it could lead to (quite comfortable) to thoughts of the life I used to have (also quite comfortable)--it all contrasted with the hand to mouth existence I now lead. And for some reason, I got to thinking about the time when my first ex-husband went out and bought a TAG Heuer watch -- on the scale of a Rolex -- and how I had wanted one so much at the time, but he had given me jewelry instead. So from there, I kept obsessing about a TAG Heuer watch, and finally, I thought about eBay. So just out of curiosity, I logged in and looked at their watches.

The long and short of it is that these things sparkled and shined and attracted me like shiny objects to a crow. I was obsessed. I watched it day and night for 48 hours. I ended up bidding on FOUR watches, and WON THREE. Two were expensive, one was relatively inexpensive. I paid for 2 of the 3 with my credit card -- how I'm going to pay that off I'll never know--and decided to refuse to pay for the third. So that will give me a bad reputation on eBay, and I won't be able to resell my watches there.

I need that money for my non-psych meds, for clothes that I desparately need, for food, for rent, for fixing my car, for taking my poor sick dog to the vet. I didn't need to spend it on a watch of ANY sort, much less TWO watches. It's a lot of money.

So in the last 24 hours I have been thinking about slitting my forearms lengthwise. The only thing that is stopping me so far is the thought of hospital bills for the stiches, and I'd need a lot of them. And I feel like stabbing myself in the chest.

I keep holding my knee to my chest and rocking back and forth on my bed, singing nonsense words. I am trying to soothe myself ala DBT, but it's not working. I need to be concentrating on studying on my National Phlebotomy Exam for this Monday, but I am so distracted. I keep wanting to stab myself.

Fortunately, for the last several months I have deliberately not sharpened any of my knives, and they're all quite dull. I just didn't trust myself. I am managing not to go sharpen any so far.

I missed DBT yesterday because my thoughts were on the watches and my depression/self-harm/suicidal thoughts. And so I missed a chance to see my T. I called the hotline last night, then talked to Polar Bear online, and somehow made it through the night. Today I've called my T and left a message for her, but haven't heard back from her yet.

What an idiot I am! How many arms do I have? How many watches do I need? The answer to that one is that I have one that is working perfectly fine. It's just not great looking. How stupid can you get? When money is so tight and jobs are scarce, what in the hell am I doing being so compulsive as to buy things I don't need? I know I have done this in the past, and I believe it fits one of the symptoms of BPD. But that doesn't change the fact that it is a damaging thing that I have done. So now I go without ulcer medication?

I've lost my appetite, which is unusual for me. I'm barely eating anything. I eat one very small, very lean meal a day. It's just enough to keep me going. And I'm losing weight (which I'm happy about), but I don't know if this is because of the depression or if it's because of getting off of meds that cause weight gain. Or both.

So I am an idiot. Now I'm in a nightmare of self-harming thoughts that are obsessing me just like the watches did. And my self-esteem is in the gutter. I'm having panic attacks. But most of all, I feel like getting a sharp knife out and at least slicing an arm, if not worse. I'm really trying DBT but it's not working. If only I could talk to my T. Paralysis of the brain.

I didn't get the job I wanted

Pain. Shock. Grief. Sorrow. And goddamn it, asking why! I hate asking why. I don't believe in asking why. And yet I've been asking why didn't they choose me? I had the qualifications. They told me they knew I could do the job. It was just a meet and greet. Like a formality. But they chose someone else.

They asked me if I wanted to be considered for another position too, and I said yes, but maybe I should have said only if it doesn't kick me out of the running for this position.

I cut myself this evening. That didn't help.

So now I've taken an extra Xanax and 2 extra strong Percocets. I plan to take a sleeping pill too. I'm just trying to knock myself out, so I don't do anything else stupid.

It hurts so bad. I had dreams for this positions. Expectations. Never have expectations! Never! And I thought I was going to be able to move onto my PhD. And I thought I could grow with the company. I thought I could take care of myself from now on. Well a lousy job I'm doing of it. Am I going to end up on the street? I could you know.

Now I may have to end up living with a girlfriend out of her kindness and generosity. I'm running out of money. My life is going to end as I know it. I can't go to school if I live in my car. It's an online school.

I'm going to have to take money out of my last little nest egg. There's not much in there, and with the taxes and penalities, I'm going to lose a lot of it anyway.

What happened to my self esteem that seemed so strong just yesterday? I was sure I'd get the job. I was sure I could support myself. I was sure I could continue with my education. Now I can't even take my dog, who has a badly infected ear, to the vet, because it's just too expensive. That's cruel. Maybe a vet would consider treating her for no cost because I'm unemployed and have been for so long.

My grandmother's youngest sister died today. She was 104 years old. She died peacefully in her sleep. She had a long, good life. I want a long, good life.

My only son won't even talk to me anymore, and he is doubtful he'll have children. Of course he's young yet, but not wanting children is pretty radical. And he doesn't want me contacting him until further notice.

How can I turn this around? How can I get back the confidence that I'll be able to take care of myself? How can I get back the feeling that I don't need a man to survive, even though one might be nice as a partner?

I'd slit my throat if only I was brave enough, and had a sharp enough knife.

I'm devastated. How can I turn this around for the better?

Percocet's kicking in. I'll go take the sleeping pill and deal with it tomorrow. And I have to go see my stupid p-doc tomorrow, and lie about how much Xanax I've been taking. All so I can get free drugs. I had it planned out. I was going to get enough free drugs to last until they put me on fulltime with the company.

I don't know how I'm going to make it, but I want to thrive. Is there anything wrong with that? But how to get from utter despair to confidence? I'm doing well in school. Maybe I should take 2 courses ( a graduate full load) this next term in order to getit out of the way faster.

The percocet is kicking in. I'll try to go to bed now. I can't even consentrate on Harry Potter...

PANIC ATTACK! Help!

I am having a major panic attack. This is despite 3 mg of Xanax and self-soothing exercises like rocking myself and curling up in bed and hugging a pillow. I am behind in school and just can't concentrate enough to be able to do my homework.

I know what it's all about. It's the possibility of the Training Content Specialist job that I might hear about tomorrow. What if they don't contact me tomorrow? What if they wait over the weekend? Am I going to continue to freak out if that happens?

I've called my T but she hasn't called me back yet. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm trying enough DBT skills, but I am having a hard time concentrating on them, too.

I am afraid of not getting the job. I'm desparately low on funds, and I really need to start soon -- like Monday! But in the meantime, I need to do my schoolwork, and my mind is all over the place.

I HATE PANIC ATTACKS! My resperation/heart rate is increased, I keep hugging myself and singing a nonsense made up song, and I keep taking meds thinking they'll help, but they don't.

I can hardly concentrate enough to write this post. What if I don't get it? I will be up shit creek, that's for sure. But talk about last minute timing! And the thing is, even though it doesn't pay very well, it pays better than nothing, and it is enough to keep me afloat for a while. Plus I really think I'd like the job. And I really like the company. They said that I am obviously qualified for the position. But what if they think I'm over-qualified?

The thing about a panic attack is it blows up your brain until thinking becomes virtually impossible. I'm paralyzed with a totally irrational and overwhelming fear. I am almost numb, or I should say my brain is almost numb. I can hardly sit still. I've had thoughts of self-harm as if stabbing myself would relieve the pain of the fear. So far I've managed to put those aside. I've been pretty good in the last couple of months of looking past self-harming thoughts.

But I've also got to take a driving school online because of a fender bender I had, and I have signed up for the National Phlebotomy Exam, which I haven't studied a lick for. I'm thinking about trying to postpone that one, though I'll bet the school takes my money and runs. Should I even be worrying about taking the National P Exam? If I get this job, it will be in my Master's field, and that will be more valuable and pay at least a little better than phlebotomy, which was supposed to get me through graduate school. I just never thought that I might actually have the opportunity for getting a job in my field before I graduate.

In an attempt to distract myself, I looked up my planned course schedule, and see now that I won't graduate until at least Dec. 2006, and that is if I don't take off any more time.

I don't want to wreck my GPA by a stupid panic attack. What if I get the job and get a panic attack at work? Maybe I should have taken the panic class instead of the DBT, except that I feel very at home with the DBT, and the thought of the panic class fired me off into the atmosphere.

How do any of you deal successfully with panic attack? It just totally shreds your life. I can't afford to be incapasitated at work by a panic attack. What am I going to do? Bring my oversize teddy bear to work in case I freak out?

I can't get ahold of anybody for advise/comfort. I am facing this all alone, like I do most times. I feel like screaming, except the neighbors would freak out if I did that. So I don't. What am I going to be like tonight and tomorrow, and maybe the weekend? I didn't sleep well last night again. Got up in the middle of the night, then woke up early. I'd say I'm just a tad bit on the anxious side, wouldn't you?!

I don't think there are drugs strong enough to wipe this out. Maybe I'll try some more Xanax. I know I'm not supposed to take it inbetween doses, but I have to get through this somehow.

Maybe good news and some bad news

I wrote an entire long post, and it was swallowed by Blogger. I hate that.

To sum, I had an interview on Monday with a company that seemed to know my resume inside out and was convinced that I could do the job. They also said they had two others to interview, but felt they could make a decision by Friday. They also said there was another technical writer position open, and asked if I would like to be considered for that as well. Of course I said yes. It is very exciting to me because I believe I have an opportunity to get the first job, which is a training content specialist, that is in my field of study in my Master's degree. Both jobs will be based in Denver, just 20 minutes away from me. Amazing. Most of my commutes have been an hour each way. There is a good possibility that if I get one or the other, that I can take off on Tuesday afternoons for DBT and seeing my T. They have very flexible hours. So that would be terrific. And the first job is contract until the end of the year, at which time if the budget allows, they will be hiring fulltime. So it is a great opportunity. The downside is that the pay stinks. I tried to renegotiate with the headhunter for a better salary, but she refused, saying I knew the pay when I walked into the situation, and that when it goes full time, I'll have a chance to renegotiate. I don't think I'll get very far, but I can try. And when I finish my degree, I can ask for another pay raise. The important thing is it would get me into the training department, and if an Instructional Design job came open, I would know about it and apply. But the job is very interesting, even if it doesn't pay well. I could learn a lot, and get a lot of good experience.

Plus, now I'm thinking about the possibility of going on to get my PhD, and maybe the company would pay for it. I know that they have a relationship with my university, and the university at least offers a discount because of that. I've wanted to work for this company on and off for my whole life, so this is really a tremendous opportunity. I want a PhD because I want to head up the Training/Instructional Design department, and even go farther. I have never been very ambitious before, but there is something about retirement hanging over my head and me not being financially even close to being ready to deal with it, that makes me motivated to succeed in business like I never have.

I know I will be crushed if I don't get this job. I wasn't when I didn't get the hospital job, but this one is different. It is in my field. It is an opportunity for me to make a come back in my career after all these years of being sick and in bed with BPD and Major Depression. I just need a chance. I am going to be a mess until I hear on Friday, IF I hear on Friday. Waiting the weekend would be torture. I am having a hard time studying as it is.

The other thing I posted about was concerning a phone conversation with my son, where he said he didn't want to hear from any family members indefinitely. He sounded like he was trying to make a decision. But I called him and must have caught him off guard, because he was rude and abrupt and made me cry.

I talked to my T about it on both Monday and Tuesday, and she said to try the DBT skill of Radical Acceptance, and it worked. She reminded me that he has a pattern of calling every couple of months, and that he'd likely continue it.

I corresponded with the Buddhist monastery that he attends, and they said that he wasn't doing well. He wasn't holding down a job, and he was eating an all raw fruit and vegetable (uncooked) diet, and that this was affecting him. They also informed me that he was no longer welcome at the monastery except on Sunday mornings, meaning no weekday meetings and no retreats. So something is going on with him.

I think it is his Asperger's Syndrome at least in part. That form of autism is incidious because although he talks like a professor and is extremely smart, he does not pick up on social cues like facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. So he consequently gets no feedback on his actions, and says and does things that are offensive to others. He is angry also. I don't know if this anger is from his rough childhood or from the Asperger's or both, but it is bothering the monks at the monastery. I've asked the monks to watch over him, and told them about his disability. I've asked them to let the spiritual community know so that they can accept him as he is. The monks asked him to get psychiatric help, and he said he would. But I am suspicious, because unless he clearly said, I will get psychiatric help, he will not do it. He was in the hospital for 15 months as a teen, and he did not get the support he needed, as well as being improperly diagnosed. So although all I can do is advocate for him, at least I can do that much. The rest is up to him. DBT is based out of Zen Buddhism, and although I don't know it would be affective on Asperger's, I can't help but see that it has been good for him.

So I wait. On the job, on my son. And need to focus on homework, but am struggling a bit. Maybe Radical Acceptance will do the trick if I don't get the job.

Self harm

I want to hurt myself. It is an almost overwhelming urge. I'm not practicing DBT or meditating, and so my sources of comfort are gone.

I don't want to go into the panic group. I want to continue with DBT, and continue seeing my T every other week. If I go to the panic group, I'll see her only once a month.

I am drifting away from sanity. I am not grounded. It feels as if I am being swept away by a flooding, swift water stream. It's deeper, faster, and more dangerous than I previously thought.

I met with the guy fron the mental illness site that lives in Denver. He found out my last name by doing a search on the Internet. I feel very unsafe about this. I shouldn't have given him the title of my book. I don't know how he found me, but he did. I thought I was being careful and concealing my last name. But now he knows both my home phone and cell phone numbers. He wants to come over to my house. I'm in the phone book. He could come over any time.

I don't know why I want to hurt myself, but I do. Maybe it is because of this guy, who has been in residential treatment for depression for years, is now making me feel unsafe. Maybe it is the lack of support I feel with my Aunt moving to Atlanta.

I shall take a sleeping piill and go to bed, hoping that oblivion will take me. This is all wrong. I shouldn't be wanting to hurt myself, and yet it is an urge. May the night take me before I do something stupid.

Wild week

It's been quite a week. I have been rejected for the part-time hospital job, although this opens up a full-time position, but I'm really not qualified for it. Maybe another part-timer will take it and leave that position open. I interviewed for a Web content editor position with a HR person by phone on Tuesday. If they are going to refer me on to the manager, I'll know next week. And Monday I have an interview for a 4 month contract as a Web writer for Lockheed Martin. It doesn't pay very well, but hell, I'll take anything. And it would be good experience with a good employer. Maybe they'd remember me and hire me for something else. So much for improving my finances. I'm desparate now, and need to find some sort of income.

There is a Panic group starting at the clinic at the exact same time as my DBT group resumes, and I am still torn about taking it. Everybody thinks I should take it. But it's hard, and about half way through you have to start confronting your fears, which doesn't appeal to me at all. I have enough of them; I don't want to scare myself to death. And besides, I think although I do have occassional panic attacks (severe chest pain, etc.), I mostly have anxiety attacks. So I don't know if I want (or even could if I got a job) commit to 16 weeks of confrontational therapy. They say it has a high rate of success IF you finish it. That's a long time to commit to.

And I haven't been practicing either my DBT or my meditation. And of course I'm feeling worse because of both. It's like I need the structure of DBT group and attending the Temple to keep my practice going. If I don't take the DBT group, then I won't see my T but once a month -- clinic rules. That will be especially hard if I am going through a very painful therapy and don't even have my T's support.

I saw my Aunt on Thursday. She is elderly and moving away from Colorado to Atlanta in less than a month. She's the closest family I've got here, and I'll miss her very much. It's probably the last time I'll get to see her. Plus my cousin and his family may be moving back to Oklahoma where there is a job opportunity for him. So it would leave me all alone here in Colorado. No family. Only one good friend who works 2 full time jobs, and so is hard to see.

With my finances shrinking, I don't know whether I should try to stick it out and try to get a job here or not. I heard a report on the news that said the job market was the best it has been for many years, so maybe I shouldn't go. And I am in cheap, tiny apartment that takes pets, and that would be hard to find. The other choice would be to move out to California to be near my son, only there are no jobs where he lives. I am going to take the National Phlebotomy Exam later this month (if I finally study for it), so that would allow me to work in California and other states as a phlebotomist, not just in Colorado.

I've finally caught up in school, though we are supposed to do mid-term self-evaluations. What is the professor's job here, if he doesn't have to comment to our posts, and he doesn't have to evaluate our work? Sounds like he's got an easy job. He just lets the class do it's own thing, and occassionally posts about whether we're on the right track or not. That's WE. Not individual comments. Individual comments are for those who are way off track, not reassurance for those who are on the right track. So you are walking blind all the time.

Emotionally, I still have a lot of problems with anxiety. I am taking meds from my regular doc (Xanax) instead of my pdoc, but not telling my pdoc. I am waiting to get a big shipment of free meds of Abilify, which costs $300/month. That's all by itself. But Abilify seems to be working for me. I am much more stable. I don't know if I can afford to stay on it or not. If I continue without a job, then I will qualify for the free meds (pmeds). But if I get a job, I won't. Ironic isn't it? I try to help myself and am put into the working poor category where I can't qualify for free aid, but can't afford the meds myself. Fortunately, 2 of my 3 pmeds come in generic, even though one is not time released, and so I'll have to remember to take it all day long. When I was taking it that way once, I remembered to take my next pill because I would realize I was getting depressed. What a way to take a pill! Up and down all day. I just love that emotional rollacoaster. All day long, every day.

Sorry I haven't posted. I've been having a very hard time logging onto the site to post, plus my dialup connection keeps quitting on me. Constantly! It really sucks not to be able to have broadband! (It just isn't available in my rural area.) I can't watch videos, have audio or music, play streaming radio, etc. It's a archaic pain in the ass. And here I'm supposed to be a graduate student in online learning. I guess if I ever teach I'll be able to sympathize with my online students if they have dialup.

All in all, I'm doing pretty well, except for not meditating and not practicing DBT. It's got to be the meds. I'm in a terrible place, so it is a welcome change, although I still have anxiety attacks.

I'm meeting a guy in Denver today that I met through an online dating site for the mentally ill. He has major depression and has been hospitalized for it twice. I don't think I'm interested in getting romantically involved, but it would be nice to have a sympathetic friend to do things with on occasion. Got the Pilot kicked off the dating site! So much for mister "I love you and take care of my kids for me." I appreciate all the warning comments. Something just wasn't right about him.

This is getting very long. Thanks for all the support.