More negative emotions

I think I'm on a roll. Today I feel overwhelmed with anxiety and panic. It didn't help that I ran out of Xanax, and so had to drive all the way into the city to get some more, only to find that i'd left the script at home! So I drove back home, picked it up, and went back down to the city. This didn't help my anxiety at all. I had other chores planned that will have to be put off until tomorrow. But finally when I got home, I took a Xanax, and at last it's kicking in a little bit.

I don't know if this is the way I should deal with my panic/anxiety or not. Apparently the pdoc thinks so, or she wouldn't prescribe it. I've been thinking about Sid's response to yesterday's post, but some of this DBT stuff is still over my head. Thanks, though, Sid.

Tomorrow is depression group, and we are supposed to be talking about gratitude. I don't know how gratitude relates to anxiety/panic, but I guess I'll find out. We'll also be talking about self-esteem. Finally some positive meetings in a row! The other stuff was a bit heavy and triggered me. My T is going to fix that for future depression groups.

I clearly need help in dealing with strong emotions. They become the focus of my being and everything else revolves around them. I can't always take pills to deal with them. That's not really dealing with them anyway.

I don't know whether or not to start looking for a phlebotomy job, since I haven't completed the externship. I guess so. Never know what's out there til you look. I hate job hunting. I will have to see if the hospitals have their job postings online. That would save a lot of leg work. And I have to write a resume just for phlebotomy. I'm getting my ex to be my reference. He's seen me work phlebotomy before and do it well.

I guess I'll try distraction from my anxiety/panic and see how that works.

Unknown pain

It aches in my chest as if my heart was tearing apart. I don't know what the pain is. I have meditated in a way that just allows the moment to be what it is and follow my breath. Then I have meditated on allowing the pain to come up and see what it would tell me. But it told me nothing.

Well that's not true. I know it's not because my son didn't call me yesterday when I asked him to. I know it's not the very real anxiety about finances. So I know something of what it's not. So what do you do? Do you force a solution? Offering it a chance to tell me what it was didn't help. Maybe I gave up too soon. I know it's at least partially depression, but more than that. It's blacker than that.

It rips at my soul. How does DBT say to deal with this? My T said that she uses the thought, "It is what it is," when a situation arises that is difficult. She neither calls it bad or good. Just it is what it is. Is acceptance (blind acceptance?) the way through this difficult night? I know one thing. I am committed to learning all that I can from this, because I know it will come up again. Maybe I'll call my T tomorrow and ask her what to do about it.

I've self-medicated, and I'm not proud of that, but it provides me at least a small amount of relief (I didn't take much). I've been cleaning and generally trying to take care of things around the apartment. So I am distracting and creating useful tasks for myself. Is distracting the way to go? Is it the idea that you just get through it however you can?

Anguish comes close to what it is. Anguish with more physical pain. What in the world can I be anguished about?

So many questions, so few answers.

Phlebotomy school finished

Yesterday was the final exam in my phlebotomy class (blood draw), and I ended up with a good grade. All I have left is the externship, which is essentially an internship, in a hospital for a week drawing blood from 100 people. It will be a good experience. I am hoping to get a job in a hospital instead of a clinic, doctor's office, or blood donation center, since it pays better and has better benefits. Then in July, it's back to graduate school, and hopefully work. I shouldn't have a whole lot of extra time on my hands then, but blood drawing is not a brain drain, so I hope it will leave plenty of mental energy left for school. I am drawing down on my funds something aweful and really need to get a job.

Am wrestling with yet another migraine. To say the things are a pain is putting it lightly. I think it is the relief of stress from studying; stress relief can trigger them, ironically enough.

The Zen Center is closed today so I didn't get a chance to get out. Am hoping that my son will call me today. Next weekend is the day and a half seminar at the Zen Center on the basics of their beliefs. I hope to attend. That will help in getting me out and meeting and talking with new people, which as the hermit I am will be a big help. It's nice that this Buddhist center is closer than the one in Boulder by a half an hour, and the community is smaller and more intimate. I don't know if I'm going to feel comfortable with their beliefs or not. I've never seen my self as a Zen person, but then you never know. Liking the community will play a big role in my decision to attend there.

I don't have anything to study, so I don't know what to do with myself. I may read some on DBT if my head gives me the opportunity.

Threw away pain killlers

After the urging of Polar Bear, I have thrown away my brand new bottle of 100 pain killers. I get migraines, but haven't been getting them of late, and so have been taking the pain killers to cope with internal pain. I hope I don't drag them out of the trash. I'd flush them down the toilet, except that we are on a septic system and I don't know if it would harm it or not. I still have 12-15 pills left and am planning on using those to taper down, or maybe keep if I have a real migraine. If I kept the 100 pills, they would be gone in 25 days anyway, so I'm just cutting it off a little faster. And there will be nothing for me to do once they are gone. I won't be able to get any more for 1.5 months. So I'm really running down to the bottom anyway. I hope to turn to meditation when the internal pain gets so bad that I want to dope it away.

Wish me luck. This has been going on for several years now, so it's time to stop. Better now when I have some willpower than later when I don't. I don't want my doctors knowing about this if I can help it. Or if they do, I'll just say I noticed me taking them on occasion when I didn't have a headache, and so threw them away. Any way, along with getting rid of the Zyprexa, and tapering down of the Risperdal, this should all be going according to a good plan. Zyprexa was scary to cut down; this will not be scary in the same way, but more desparate. I'll have to get some more Xanax for anxiety and Ambien for sleep. Better those than the percocet.

It seems easy now in the morning to do this, but it will be rough at night. I don't believe in 12-step programs, so that is not a way out for me. I will have to live mindfully. I can do this.

Cutting triggers

Late last night I got triggered for cutting. I got out a large needle and was planning to hit an artery. But I distracted myself enough that I ended up going to sleep. Told my T today at the depression group. She noticed that I get triggered when I am feeling abandoned. We talked a little while. We're going to work on it in private session. I'm going to call her and see if we can meet more frequently. I think she has the time. I just need to check with her.

The depression group went great this time. She handed out lots of distracting and coping skills worksheets that I could have used last night. She thinks she has had too many heavy topic sessions in a row, and plans to split them up next time she does the group. I'm really glad I got all those handouts. I think I'm going to use them. And a lot of them were from DBT.

Didn't study enough today for my final. Will see my new pdoc first thing in the morning tomorrow, and then I'll study after that. I think I'll do ok on the final. But first I have to get past my pdoc. I have been making med changes according to the plan that the pnurse made up, but they weren't specifically ordered, so I hope she's not mad. It has turned out ok. I guess I will tell her about the cutting incidents. I suppose she needs to know that. But she better not think I'm psychotic for having them. That would really piss me off.

Well, maybe I'll go to bed early, get up for the appt, then hit the books hard. Need to do well on the final. Or at least pass it reasonably. Passing is 85%. Pretty high standards. So I'd like to at least get in the 90's. We'll see. I've not been studying as hard as I should.

Triggered again by depression group homework

I don't know how I am supposed to progress if I keep getting triggered by doing my depression group homework. When we get triggered, we're supposed to put it down and distract/self-sooth. But then how do I work at my issues? We were given many different behaviors and told to pick one and write the pros and cons of the behavior. I picked co-dependency. It wasn't the most emotionally charged of the topics, but I guess it is too hot for me to handle right now. Maybe I need to pick something very neutral, and go from there. I really feel like drinking now, although there is nothing in the house and I'm not going out. But the desire to obliterate my feelings is there. I feel like the group is going to have nothing to offer me if I can't get through it without getting triggered. I really work best with a therapist on a one-to-one basis, and this clinic is not allowing me to work weekly with a T -- just once every three to four weeks. When I can afford it, I really need to see a T more often. I may ask my T if we can meet more frequently. I don't know if it will help, but it doesn't hurt to ask. I am really bummed.

Free Meds!

I got a note today from the county that they will provide me with free meds for 4 months, after which I have to requalify. That's great news! I also received another copy of the Medicaid rejection ltr, and they said I was rejected because I wan't receiving any funds from any other approved sources. Isn't that the dog biting its tail? But at least I'm covered now.

Last night, I took my phlebotomy practical and passed. I was so worried the teacher sent me out for a walk. But I did ok. That's down, next the final exam. That's on Saturday, so I may not be blogging much between now and then. I may have an externship lined up for a hospital in middle of June. Still working it out.

Went to my T yesterday and found out I've been accepted into DBT. It starts June 7 and goes for 6 months only, although you can sign up again for another 6 months. They do it with such long sessions -- 2.5 hours at a time. That seems like an awful lot of info to absorb within that time. And I'm worried about how I'm going to keep it up when grad school starts again. One thing for sure -- I won't have time for any night time binges at the bars, not that i do that anyway. But my schedule looks tight -- assuming I get a job. I've heard that hospitals are snatching up people with my experience, so I hope that I'll find a job soon. I desparately need the money.

Well, back to studying. Or maybe a short break, then studying. There is a lot to cover for this final.

Medicaid and free county meds

Yesterday I increased the amount of Abilify to 10 mg from 5 mg. Both yesterday and today I took the Zyprexa since the last couple of days I've been depressed. But I will completely stop the Zyprexa tomorrow morning. That should give the Abilify time to make a difference. It's a little scary since every decrease in Zyprexa has had major depression, anxiety, and even self harm attached to it, so I am wary.

I got a rejection letter from Medicaid, which is turning out to be a good thing. But I can't find it and I've left a message with my caseworker to see if she can send out a copy of the letter. If she can't, I will have to reapply and maybe be rejected again, and that will take 2 months. I started all of this in March to get free meds from the clinic, but they need proof of rejection from Medicaid in order to put me on their free meds. I had the wrong impression that if Medicaid rejected you then you couldn't get free meds from the drug companies. But it is just the opposite. The meds would be paid for if I were on Medicaid, but if I'm not, the drug companies will give me free meds. I just hope I haven't screwed things up by losing the letter. I can't afford the meds I'm on now. And yet I can't afford not to be on them, either, because the alternative is probably suicide.

I hate the antipsychotics for "stabilizing" my mood, meaning I never feel any joy, although the depression is less and i can function, to a certain extent. Does anybody else have this problem on antipsychotics?

I went to see my aunt and cousin yesterday. It was so nice to be with family, even if I was depressed. My cousin's wife is saying mean things to my aunt, who is elderly -- 81 years old, and that makes me angry. She is also "taking charge" of my aunt's medical situation so much so that the doctors don't even consult my aunt any more. My aunt is planning to move to Georgia (US) in a few months, so I'm going to try to get up and see her once again. She lives 2 hours away, which isn't bad.

I have not been studying for my final, which I plan to work on tonight. I have the practical, where you are graded on the process of drawing someone's blood, and everything has to be in order. That much I can study for, even though it's likely not on the written final, because I will take the practical on Monday evening. A friend of mine with good veins is going to go to the school with me and allow me to draw her blood for the practical. It's really nice of her, especially since she is a Christian Scientist who doesn't follow regular medical practice. She was only concerned about what we would do with her blood, which is throw it away.

I've been digging madly through all the papers on my bed to see if I can find that Medicaid rejection letter, with no success. There are piles of papers scattered all over 2/3 of my queen size bed. I am totally disorganized. But I have been working away at it and am throwing out many things that I don't need to keep. I have to go through this process periodically so that I can actually sleep in my bed. It gets that bad. I am overwhelmed by the task, but have still been working at it little by little. I cleaned out all the papers under my desk last week, so this will be another step to simplifying my life and apartment, and making things more orderly and clean. I have a long way to go, because I have just let things slide for so long. I think it's the depression. The apartment is filthy and in total disarray. Except under my desk, and today, part of the top of my bed. I am determined to get my apartment cleaned up before I start back to grad school in July. I still don't have room to have anybody over. There's really no place to sit, but at least I could let the landlord in and fix some of the things that need fixing. I've been too embarassed to let her come in and fix things.

Back to studying.

Triggered by depression group homework

I went to my depression group today. We had homework to do for it, and I haven't had the time to do it, so I did one example before class. It was on me not feeling capable of earning my way in the world, and that no one was going to help me if I fail. It triggered me big time. I have been sort of keeping track of my depression and anxiety, and both jumped up high this afternoon. For the next set of homework, my T said that we should choose a topic to work on that wouldn't trigger us. I'm going to definitely need to do that. I came home and took a Xanax for the anxiety, but I'm still left with the depression.

And it is the end of my phlebotomy class and I need to study, but I can't concentrate. It is urgent that I begin studying for both the final exam and the final practical. The final practical is Monday evening, and I really need to know some stuff for that.

I got my TB test read today -- it was negative. I needed it for the phlebotomy class. Now I'm through with all my immunizations.

Fuck this depression. Tomorrow I am going to unofficially increase my Abilify. I haven't decided whether or not to go off the rest of the Zyprexa then, or wait a couple of days for the Abilify to kick in. I have just enough Abilify to last me until next Thursday when I see the new pdoc. I should be off the Zyprexa, down on the Risperdal and up on the Abilify. This is without official approval, but it was the plan that the pnurse had set up, so I'm following it until I see the new pdoc and make a new plan. I'll be out of the Abilify the morning I see the pdoc, so I sure hope they give me samples.

I'm running out of time. I was turned down for medicaid, and I need to reapply, but I can't get the Advocacy group at the clinic to help me fill it out. They are understaffed now. But if I don't apply and get accepted, I won't get the free meds, and I'm running out of money.

I hope I qualify for phlebotomy jobs. This is coming at the same time as a new DBT program is being offered at the clinic, but it is on a Tuesday afternoon from 1:30 to 4 pm. What a time! The goal is to get us functioning in society, isn't it, so why are they putting the time when no one can possibly take off work for that long every week during the middle of the day? It doesn't make sense. They should offer an evening class. They are talking about it, but all they are doing is talking. And then there is the issue of how extremely long the class is - way longer than it should be for DBT, and then the program ends in 6 months instead of a year. That's a lot of information being packed into a short amount of time, and not enough time for practice and getting it down.

I'm going to try to study. I have a doc appt every day next week -- the week before the final. I may try to cancel something.

What can you do for depression to make it better? It is agonizing.

The Zen center & other musings

I went to the new Zen center last night. It was in a bad part of Denver, but I wanted to go anyway. It was very different -- you might say very Zen. There was a lot of bowing and walking and chanting and sitting (meditating). I still don't know what I think about it in terms of going there instead of going to the Boulder meditation center, which is a lot farther away. There are real differences in style. The Boulder center seems to be more open in a way, although the people at the Zen center were friendly. But the Boulder center is following a half-Buddhist, half-philosophy practice, and the philosophy frequently takes precendence over the Buddhism, and that bothers me a lot. It follows Tibetan Buddhism which I like, when it follows pure Buddhism. But mostly it's a mix. However, I have a wonderful meditation teacher there, and I would hate to give him up. And yet their statue of the Buddha on the main alter is tiny and dwarfed by many other larger images. That kind of tells me where their priorities are.

On the other hand, the Zen center was totally Buddhist oriented. They are strict and austere in their ways while in the main Zendo (meditation hall). But they were quite friendly to me afterward. I was my usual wallflower self and didn't really join in to many conversations. I did make myself talk to a few people, if only a few sentences. My shyness or withdrawnness has got to improve. There's no way I'm going to make friends at either center if I don't talk to people.

So, how do I become more outgoing? I think part of it is a lack of self-confidence. I'm in a very shaky place now financially and career wise, so that has to be playing a part. As a rule, I just stay in my apartment and study, or go work for a temp agency and be a quiet wallflower. I work hard, but I just don't chit chat with other people. I think I'm depressed, too. Yesterday I also went to a health clinic for a check up, and a woman there said, "You look so sad." This is the second time in less than a month that a woman has said that to me. I must really be dragging my mouth on the ground. But I AM sad. I have a lot left to grieve for in my divorce, and my son lives 4 states away. As I said, things revolving around work are in a turmoil, and school is not going so well. I'm doing fine on the one test and homework, but not so good in the practical side of the phlebotomy. Then after this class is over, and I do a week externship, I'll have about a month before graduate school starts again.

Do I have enough money to survive until I get a job? And I could have had a job for 6 weeks doing temp work, but all my therapy and doc appts take out serious time, and companies won't put up with that as frequently as it is. The week after next I have doc appts 4 out of 5 days. It's hard to get a job that way. I don't know what to do about that. I have to at least see my pdoc for meds, but I am having other body work done on me, plus depression group which I made a commitment to, and then therapy once every 3 wks. I don't know where to place my priorities -- on my health, or on my financial survival. Both are critical. What's more, I couldn't survive without my meds -- literally.

Sad and lonely: no job, no friends, no family

I have been quite down this evening, feeling sad about my son wanting to go off overseas and remain out of contact for two years or so. I don't really have any other family than him, except my mom and my sister, who believe enormously differently than I do in the area of religion, and that colors our relationships. So for all intents and purposes, my family is not very sympathetic to my plight. Think it's god's will or something. I will agree with them there, but that it is my karma that I've built up over my actions over the years that things have come to this. No job. The teacher in the phlebotomy class thinks we're all morons and incapable of being good phlebotomists. That's really encouraging. So finding a job is going to be very difficult. At least I have some experience to fall back on. But then there's grad school, and I'm worried about being able to get a job doing that when I'm done (instructional design for online courses). Everybody is looking for people with experience, and I don't have any, since this is a switch in careers.

I'm running out of money very quickly. I may be denied free meds much longer. I don't know if I can qualify for medicaid, and without that, I can't get my free meds. I have to reapply because they turned me down the first time, although I don't know why.

I was feeling very, very low just a couple of hours ago, but took some additional meds, and feel somewhat better. Am trying not to get to down in the dumps, because my situation is getting desparate, and I don't need to be putting any guilt or shame or fear on me. That's totally unproductive and sends me curling up in a ball on the bed.

I am basically without a support system, and need to create one. But my shyness and withdrawness keep me from reaching out to others. I promised my son I'd go to a new Zen center and try to get to know the people there. I don' t know if I'll have time to do it this week or not, but I want to try to.

I'm basically feeling like crap. It is hard to get up from that kind of feeling. I'm very down on myself, thinking I'm incompetent, thinking I should be more successful by this time in my life than I am. But mental illness has been a real anchor around my neck.

Heard from my son on Mother's Day

I emailed my son to give me a collect call, then I could call him back on my cell phone weekend minutes. I waited all day until he finally went to his job cleaning a theatre and had a phone to call me with. It was wonderful talking to him. We talked for 3 hours about his school and mine, his work and mine, and various topics in Buddhism. He is much more knowledgeable about Buddhism than I am, so it is good to talk to him about it. I promised him that I would go to a new Zen Buddhist center in Denver because they actually have a monk running it, instead of an all lay community in the Boulder Shambhala Meditation Center. And the Boulder community is only partly Buddhist -- they also follow their founder's ideas about a secular "religion" called Shambhala --one that I've never felt comfortable with. I've gone there for the Buddhism, and have always been uneasy with the other part, as if it were diluting the Buddhist part.

So anyway, I'll try to attend the Zen center's meeting tomorrow night. Tonight, I meet with my meditation instructor in Boulder. He is a very good Tibetan Buddhist, but also follows the Shambhala teachings. I don't know how to tell him that I'm uncomfortable with the Shambhala teachings. I feel a great sense of guilt about all this, as if I'm betraying his trust in some way. I don't want to stop meeting with him for meditation instruction, at least not any time soon. But if I find a fit with the other center, I may have to discontinue our meetings. And I really need the encouragement to continue to meditate and to practice mindfulness, a DBT skill that was drawn from Zen.

I am panicking about money some more. I don't know what I'm going to do, and I'm afraid that I'm going to run out without getting a job either in phlebotomy or in instructional design, my master's topic. And I have dr appts that interfere with working a regular M-F 8 - 5 job, which interferes with me getting temporary positions. It' s hard for me to decide if I need to discontinue with the group meetings and other therapy related appts, or to continue with them but not have a job. Panic is the word of not just the day, but of the year.

My mom called while I was talking with my son, and I cut her conversation short. She was calling from some place in Canada to wish me (and her) a happy mother's day. Her cell phone doesn't work, but she stops some place where she can place a call. She said she'd call me back later in the week.

My son talked about going overseas and teaching English as a second language. He wants to go to Japan, where they pay well and provide housing. You can save a lot of money that way. He thinks I ought to do that too so that I can save up some money. I just don't know what I would do about therapists and pdocs in Japan. I don't know their attitude toward them, but I imagine from what I know of the culture, it probably is viewed as shameful. My son talked about joining a Zen community over there and establishing a "family." He also said it would give him a chance to travel to Thailand cheaply. And he's talking still of becoming a monk. He says he doesn't know if he should have kids or not. And I'm definitely getting the idea that I will not be able to count on him as I get older. That's scary. And he wants to "cut the ties" with friends and family for a couple of years and just be on his own. That depresses me. But there again, it may be his Asperger's Syndrome kicking in. Someone with AS is not going to be sensitive to someone else's needs. Quite the opposite: They are blind to it. I understand that, but accepting the reality of it is something else, especially given my sensitivity to abandonment.

I guess he's right about me finding a Buddhist community that I feel comfortable in. I really do need to reach out to others, especially seeing that I can't depend on him. I guess a mother shouldn't be the one depending on the child, but I have no one else to turn to. And yet he really isn't an alternative. I need to talk to my t about this. I have dependency issues. I either need a spouse or a grown child or some relative to be there for me.

And I have to remember that my son was wanting to do landscape architecture just a couple of weeks ago as a major, and before that it was engineering. So there's no reason to believe that he's going to settle on TESL. He'll no doubt change his mind again.

I posted a profile on a dating site for those with mental illnesses, and have gotten two hits already, with 3 others expressing interest in me. I don't know if this is the way to go or not. All the people they've matched me up with live at the far ends of the country. Denver is central to just about everywhere. So anyway this one guy has a PhD and post-doc degrees and is really cute, but he left out his dx and other important details about himself. I was too open in my profile, but maybe he will tell me about himself. He lives in California. I don't even know if I should be doing this now, because I have yet to get over my divorce. It's probably too early, but I figure the worst that could happen is that we exchange a few emails and then agree to part ways. Pen-pal is one of the categories that we both checked, as well as serious relationship and everything in between.

Abilify is working, although I think I need a higher dose. I'll see my new pdoc in a couple of weeks. We can plan to do what is best from there. I can't wait to get off of Zyprexa completely, and to probably reduce/eliminate Risperdal too. I hope my final approval for Patient Assistance meds comes through quickly so that I'll be receiving my meds for at least a few months more, until maybe I get a job and can afford to pay for them. They were waiting for information from my student loans, which I live off in part. I don't know if that will bump me out of the picture or not. I'll call today.

That's all for now.

Therapist to the rescue!

Late last night I left a message on my T's phone telling her about the conversation I had with my pnurse yesterday evening. My pnurse basically said she was going to continue to jump down my throat if I told her of si/su urges. That's dangerous. She also blocked me from talking to her supervising pdoc. So I told my T, and lo and behold, this morning she arranged a meeting with another Pdoc at the office. Thank goodness! I hope that I can talk with this pdoc about my symptoms without her flipping out.

I'm reading I Hate You Don't Leave Me. I don't know how well I fit what I read. At one time I would have said it nailed me right on, but I've been through a lot of therapy, and resolved a lot of issues. I'll keep my BPD dx because I want to get into DBT. I've read the VA's page on Complex PTSD, which I fit to a T, including self harm. So I'm wondering if I have that. DBT is apparently effective with it as well. But since the DSM IV doesn't list it (it will be in the DSM V whenever it comes out), and since I want DBT, I won't put up a fuss about the details of a dx. Who knows? I could have them both.

Pnurse says I'm psychotic for si!

I am angry, sad, and amused that my pnurse reacted that way to the news about my si. Last time I'll tell her. Saw my t after, and she says she doesn't believe that cutting is psychotic at all, and that the pnurse can have her opinion. I'll talk to my t if it becomes an issue again, but my pnurse is making radical changes. Changes that I'm uncomfortable with. She's simultaneously reducing 3 meds and adding a small amount of Abilify to counteract it. I can't believe it. 3 medications at once! And she even commented on how sensitive I am to medication. I think I'm going to call her tomorrow and tell her I'm not comfortable with all the changes all at once. I'm not very comfortable with her anyway. She doesn't even have her DEA license yet! There is a pdoc there and I guess I could request to see him instead. She even told me that she had consulted him about my case. Well, maybe I should go straight to the horse's mouth. I am very nervous about all these changes, and if they trigger si, I'm going to freak. So the reductions include going down to the suicidal level of Zyprexa (2.5 mg/day), down from 5 to 3 mg of Risperdal, and going from 60 to 40 mg of Ritalin (for my ADD). Unbelievable. And I'm just supposed to take that? She's lost my trust, and that's a bad thing. Now I'm angry. She is screwing around with my brain chemistry as if she is throwing in ingredients for a cake and mixing it all together. Since she has one month experience as a pnurse, I think I'm going to request a change. She certainly doesn't listen. I'm going to call them tomorrow and make an appointment to see the pdoc instead. I've got enough Risperdal to last a few weeks at the old level, and I may want to keep it there while the other changes are going on. Unbelievable. She shouldn't have her license. Her plans for me could easily trigger either si or su. This when I'm fighting depression every day. I'm mad as hell that she's treating me this way.

Anybody agree?

Panic & depression over lack of money

I've been paying bills today and am not sure if I can make it through to getting a phlebotomy job, and I'm not sure I'll make enough doing that to pay my bills. I'll start a new grad term in July, and will get some money back from student loans. I still don't know if it will be enough. If I work two jobs, I can't go to grad school, and then I'll have to start paying off the loans and won't be receiving any more money. I'm panicked, depressed and worried. I don't know what I'm going to do. My funds are running low. With all the doc appts it's hard to get a temp job. I just don't know what I'm going to do...

Depressed, but not si

I have been feeling very depressed today. I was supposed to see my p-nurse today, but they messed up the appt. so I will see her on Wed. right after I see my T. After that is the depression group. But so much for agendas.

I took a lower dosage of Zyprexa today, so it is possible that that is affecting me. But I wanted desperately to hurt myself last night, but thanks to emails with Polar Bear, I was able to hold off. We emailed back and forth for a couple of hours, despite the time differences. Today I just feel very depressed. I don't know what to do to get through this. Last night while I was battling the si, I called the hotline -- AND I WAS PUT ON HOLD! That's like calling 911 and getting put on hold. I urgently needed to speak with someone, but not "our next available counselor will be with you as soon as possible." What am I supposed to do? They didn't even have elevator music on, but an annoying clicking sound followed by a repeat of their "you're on hold" message. I waited a couple of minutes and then hung up. I was disgusted. However, they might not be as busy tonight, but then I don't feel like cutting myself now. I'm just not motivated to study, and there's nothing good on tv, and I'm not in the middle of a good book. So all I have is time to feel how lousy my life is, how I'm running out of money, how much I want to be able to move on from my divorce and get interested in other men. But I'm pretty shy right now. No, that's not the right word. I'm withdrawn. I don't have the energy for another relationship now. And I'm worried that because of my student loan, they will turn me down for free meds at the clinic.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm questioning now if I should go all the way off Zyprexa or not. I guess I'll ask the pnurse on Wed what she thinks I should do, now that there was an S/I incident and a night where I came very close to it again, all in one week. This unnerves me. Will these urges continue?

I meditated today and did a yoga workout from a DVD, but still I didn't feel good. I mean I felt good when I was doing the meditating and the yoga, but not after. Or at least the depression rolled in soon after I was done. I won't whine any more, but being depressed with nothing to do is a bad combo. It can lead to all sorts of thoughts, probably not good.

Feeling like cutting again

I don't know why, but I am feeling like cutting myself again. It is an urge that has been getting stronger all day. It didn't help to read the cutting incidents on the Sanctuary bb. I'm going to have to stay out of the trigger areas until I can get beyond this phase... Thinking about calling the hotline again, although I don't know what they can do or say that I don't already know.

Fucking BPD.

Chickened out on Zyprexa decrease

I just couldn't continue to take the lower dose of Zyprexa this morning. I see my psych nurse prescriber tomorrow, and I'll talk to her about it. There seems to be a definite correlation between my depression and the days that I take the lower amount, although I've been depressed on days when I took the higher amount, too. This next step is just scary because I was having aggressive thoughts of slitting my throat at this next level, and it was a very frightening time.

My ex owes me a lot of money for me fronting it for the IRS tax return. He is buying a house (the asshole) with his share of the money we got from the sale of the house, whereas I am living off of it and it's shrinking fast. I hope I have enough money to make it to getting a phlebotomy job. Then I'll start grad school again and live off some of the loan money to make up the difference. I'm going to owe a shitload of money for my graduate expenses. I'm financially going to be coming out of school in a big debt. Oh, well. I can't worry about that today. The rent is due and I will not have much left over after that. I'm not working and going to school, as Billy thinks. I'm just going to school, although I am doing a little part-time work. It is nearly overwhelming. Today I will try to get my friend to donate her veins for the phlebotomy final, study the depression group homework, and otherwise try to take the day off. I see my t on Wednesday, the same day as the depression group, so this week looks like it will be fairly supportive. If I go down on the Zyprexa, I'll need the support. I'm thinking about going one more week at this level. But we'll see. Like I said, I'm at a scary stage.