Just a school day, but little depression

The depression I've felt about the "event" has slowly lifted. I even thought about what a good job I did in starting that IV on myself with a special needle called a butterfly. We practiced using them in class today, and I got the hard stick and not the "easy" (really it was very, very difficult) stick. So it was almost like the "event" could be viewed as homework.

I'm trying to keep a log of my emotions for my depression group, but am not doing such a great job. It's hard to remember to keep the log at night. It takes less than a minute, so time is not the factor. Just remembering to do it is the challenge.

My parents and my sister and her husband are all away on different trips taking them out of the country, so for 10 days or so I won't have them to talk to. Not that I have been doing much talking with them anyway.

Just mainly studied today. I haven't been meditating, and that's been bothering me. I can't find a Buddhist group I feel comfortable with yet, although I've heard of one that I might investigate. I really felt the most at home with the group that my son is with in California, but I have to be practical and join a community here at home. That links to meditation because a local congregation is essential to encouraging continuing practice. Plus it links to DBT. I think there is an introductory session to the other congregation coming up in the first part of June. I will try to attend that.

I see my psych nurse/prescriber and t this week, in addition to the depression group, which has homework I haven't done yet. So maybe I will have a calm week to come. Maybe I will reduce the Zyprexa another stage, but I have noticed an up and down of depression correlating with the mg dose that I am taking on a particular day (I alternate dosages every other day). So I don't know if I'll go down this week or not. It's partly fear, because the next reduction puts me at the level where I was thinking seriously of suicide. Guess I'll see what I feel like in the morning--if I need to take the larger dose or not.

Pretty low key here after the "event."

Post si

I'm still feeling depressed about stabbing myself, but I got to talk to my t a little after the depression group, and she reminded me that the thing that triggered me, rejection from my son, was probably due to his Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning autism that gets along poorly with others). She pointed out that it was due to his disability and probably was not intentional, so I don't need to take it personally. I think she's right. But I am so vulnerable to his emotional outbursts at me. And yet I feel so needy for his love and attention. I know I need to let him go and live his life since he's 21.5 years old, but I have no other family now to turn to. My family isn't willing to offer consolation any more since I became a Buddhist. Turned that faucet right off. So I don't really have anyone. I only see my t once every 3-4 weeks because that's all she is available. She works for a government agency, and so has an enormous case load. And yet she remembered me at the depression group (first meeting) and remembered details about me like the Asperger's my son has. That was pretty amazing. And I saw her briefly today when I went to pick up meds. She had asked me to call her this morning to tell her if I did or didn't stab myself last night, so I called and told her I hadn't. She said she left a message for me on my machine. I haven't listened to it yet. That's a lot of attention from somebody I've only seen privately once. I have an appointment with her next Wed. We may have to do DBT privately, but that will really be slow since I don't have weekly appointments with her. Maybe the stabbing incident will motivate her to let me have cancelled appointments, etc.

At least I have meds now; I was running out of some. Tonight is a study night if I can keep myself from watching tv. I do it because I'm lonely and it's nice to hear some voices.

S/I for the first time in 3-4 years

Well, I did it. I finally cut myself after probably 3-4 years of not doing it. My son told me not to call him at work, and he only has a pager. He also told me not to frequently page him. That, and the loss of my beloved bird sent me over the edge. I even called the hotline and talked to them about it before I did it. We just didn't come up with a plan that I found satisfactory. I didn't want to put ice in my arm pits. I didn't want to light candles (afraid I'd fall asleep and light the place on fire) or take a hot bath with bath salts. So I drew my own blood with a large bore (larger than I needed) needle into a tube. Collected it and everything. It's in the refrigerator. I had to use two tubes because the first was out of vacuum. But the second one wasn't. I stabbed my ankle where nobody could see it. And yet it doesn't seem like it was enough. I didn't get the relief feeling like when I cut with a knife. I've taken 2 percocet to try to knock me out. I already took melatonin for sleep, and I am sleepy, but still on edge. I'll try to go to bed now. I doubt if I can sleep.

My son gave away my parrot

My son called tonight, and I called him back since he called collect. During December, I flew out to northern California to spend some time with him. At the same time, I brought him his bird, an African Grey parrot. Now he has found a home for the parrot (not his) and is pretty well set in his mind that he will be giving the bird to these people. They are bird people, which is good. But I wanted to have that bird in the family for the rest of my life. I just couldn't keep him here in this tiny apartment. I have too many animals. But this is like a permanent loss. My son talks about my bird's karma, and how I may have an unhealthy attachment to him (the bird), which is all Buddhist speak for "Let him go, Mom." But I'm sad to think of living life without Yako.

My son is an itenerant. He lives in a tent, and is thinking of buying a bigger 30 foot geodesic dome type tent (only heavier duty) and living in it over the winter next year. He is thinking of getting a solar energy panel so he could run computers or other electrical devices off of it. He eats only raw, uncooked fruits, vegetables and grains, which he sprouts. He is supposedly the picture of health and rides his bike everyday every where he goes. He belongs to a health club, where he showers and shaves, and uses a laundromat for his clothes, thank goodness. He really likes living in the forest in Mount Shasta and has a view of two beautiful mountains. He's arranged to go to college this summer. He's going to take outdoor botany. Since he works as a landscaper, this seems appropriate. He plans to go to school full time in the fall, taking basic classes, which will be all he can handle given his disabilities. But he is definitely doing things the unusual way. He is also definitely not turning out anywhere close to what I had imagined, although I'm glad to finally see him go to college. He'll be 22 in September.

I don' t know why I'm so sad. He's always been an oddball. I'm grateful that he is moral and spiritual, and pursuing higher goals. So why am I so sad? I can't really say that I am disappointed in the way he is living, because he is living greenly and healthy and he is making his way in the world, even if it is very unusual. I guess I just wish I had a normal son with normal interests--except that I don't want a normal son with normal interests. I guess I'm getting what I wanted, what I raised him to be. So why am I sad? I guess I want to be normal with a normal family, and I don't have that. He went through his wild and wooly stage, and has settled down and is providing for himself. He doesn't want possessions, so he doesn't need much money.

I just don't get why I am so sad. I'm sure the bird will probably be better off. The people love him and will probably take very good care of him. So he'll have a happy life. I don't know.

And I'm running out of time for studying for this week. I worked a little to day at the Gap (jeans store). That was through the temporary agency. And I'll work Friday too. A little money is better than none. But tomorrow I go to a depression group, and I have to get groceries, and study. Thursday I am driving 4 hours round trip to see my elderly aunt who is moving away soon. I want to see her before she goes. And I'll also see my cousin and his family, who I envy. Then work Friday, and school is on Saturday. So I am going to be running short on study time.

I better end this before I get myself really upset.

Childhood abuse, 2nd post today

I wasn't raped or sexually abused, but physically and emotionally severely abused by a step-father who was a brillitant psychopath and knew evermore inventive ways to make my life miserable, which he regularly did for 12 years. He hated me from the start. My sister, 8 years older than I am, didn't get the abuse I did. She is a person whom everyone gets along with. I on the other hand got yelled at, abused verbally, hit, and other fun things. I had to set the table ina a precise way with each fork and spoon going inthe "correct" spot and the knife blade edge turned inward to the plate. I used to try to get even with him by always giving him the bad silverware. this went on for probably a year, before he mentioned it, and then I started to give myself all the bad silverware. He was unbelievably cruel. He made every Christmas into a nightmare. We couldn't be kids and rush in to open presents on Christmas morning; we had to wait and get dressed up (for the photos) and sit quietly while one by one each of us opened a gift. And you had to exclaim over it and go on and on even if you hated it, until it was the next person's turn. But the thing I hated most was that he forced me, on pain of hitting me, to give him a kiss and a hug every night., just as if nothing was wrong. He was sucha deviant person. He smiled when he hit me, then gave me the old line about "this hurts me more than it does you." Yeah, right. When we lived in subtropical Houston, he would make me mow the lawn on Saturday afternoon when it was hottest and most humid. And I have a history of fainting from the heat.

I hated him and had fantasies fo killing him. I thought I must be very bad to have those thoughts. All through dinner we had to sit while he bitched about work and how bad it had been and how miserable he was. And we were expected to listen to this monologue all through the meal. Talk about indigestion. And when I began to get impatient and want to be excused from the table so I wouldn't have to listen to him, he began not allowing me to get up from the table for a long time. Then, finally, even though I had finished for 30 minutes, he would let me leave. It was like extra punishment. He was very controlling that way.

He was physically big and packed a whallop when he hit you. He also used to beat my dog full strength until the dog cried and cried. My mother never got another dog after that one died, partly because she just couldn't take his cruelty to it.

He drank himself to sleep in front of the television in his easy chair, and then he went to bed after his "nap" and got up at 5 a.m. I've always been a long sleeper, and he would wake me on 8 am on Saturday morning because I had slept in. I got very sick during this time, developing severe, chronic bronchitis. They didn't take me to the doctor untilthere was already lung damage. But it was caused from stress.

My only outlet was school, and I was a perfectionist there. I'd get in trouble for staying up too late to study for a test or do some homework. I'd even hide in my bathroom and put a towel at the bottom of the closed door so light wouldn't come through and he wouldn't suspect I was studying. One time I came home with a C on my report card. The rest were A's, but there was this one C and all he could do was focus on it, asking me why I didn't get a better grade. It was in Spanish. Spanish and I didn't get along very well. So I told him that I just didn't get it, and that the rest of the grades were A's, so why was he focusing on the C? My sister consistently got C's and D's, but she got along, so they left her alone. Then she went off to college, and we moved from Oklahoma to Houston. So I was all alone in my war with him. Mom would get so upset she would go toher room crying and let him do whatever he wanted with me. If he had been a rapist, he would have raped me. Either I was sick or I was studying. I was always without enough sleep, I found out when I married my second husband, who also has a medical background. I needed much more rest, but they wouldn't let me catch up, so I got sick. That, and I was under a great deal of stress all the time at home. I was the grodery shoopper, cook, dish washer, house maid, ironing lady, clothing cleaner and put away, and straightener of the house before He coame home every night. If I didn't get my chores done, hter'ed be hell to pay. And I kept up an A average in high school too, graduating with honors.

One day when I was about 30, I had all the old memories come rushing back to me one after the other, whole memories, just seconds apart. All I could do was cry. I couldn't even tell my then husband a whole memory because I would be two memories beyond. It went on for two solid hours. I knew that he had been a bastard, but I guess I had repressed the specific memories.

I've been in therapy for PTSD of and on for almost 15 years.

Have any of you been abused as a child? It's common with us BPDs. I don't know why I wrote that. It just came out. And after such a positive day.

Did well on test & other musings

Sid, you were right. I did surprise myself and do better at the test and the blood draws than I thought I was going to do. On the test, I made a 94%, which was the highest grade in the class! I can't believe it. That was a tough test with so much to memorize. So it just goes to show me that the reduction in the Zyprexa has been worth all the misery it has caused. And that studying your brains out can be a useful thing to do. I'm amazed that I did as well as I did, and surprised that I have the top grade in the class. From the sound of things, a lot of the people in there didn't do very well. They must not have if a 94 was the top grade. That, together with the many good sticks I got on Sunday, have really raised my self-confidence. Maybe I will be able to be a good phlebotomist after all. More importantly, maybe I will be able to get a job that pays a livable wage. All I need to do is to pay my current bills, plus my meds. I have a low rent rate, so food and medicine are the next big items in my budget.

I also balanced my checkbook today. (A very significant and great achievement for me.) I now have almost no money in the account, which is good, because I want to keep my checking acct balance down so I can continue to get at least some of my meds for free. Now all I have to do is to try to line up a job after the school gets out. There is going to be a lot of competion for jobs, because the colleges will have been let out and the hiring may be completed before my school gets out. If I made the highest grade in the class on the test, and I'm doing well on the homework, and if I do reasonably well on the final, plus pass the practicle and the externship, I might come out of this class on top! There are a lot of ifs in that, but now I believe I can do it. That would be yet another thing to put on my chart for my employer. And then I can go back to grad school. I've registered for the summer session in grad school, so I'm going to school whether I have a job or not, but preferably with a job. Maybe I won't need to borrow as much money for school.

Today I both meditated and did a short yoga workout (on DVD). So I am seeming to do better. Now it's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and for everything to come crashing down, at the very least psychologically. The BPD thing.

I called the clinic today to see if I can get a written script for Xanax for 7 mg. total a day. That's a lot, but my anxiety is high since I'm dangling myself over the edge of a cliff financially and practically. I'm just a breath away from being on the street. But I'm also close to being able to make it financially. At least at a basic level. That would be a good thing. And a job at a hospital would mean benefits, so I assume they would pay for most of the cost of my meds. IF, IF, IF. I'm dreaming the present away and living in the future. I could go on, with graduating from grad school and getting a REAL job, one that will allow me to save for "retirement." Meaning when I'm too old to work.

Now I'm really getting ahead of myself. But it is a worry, because I have been drawing down on my savings at an alarming rate, and it took some time to save up that amount in the first place. I'm dreaming. I want the American dream again, to have a house and a husband who I love and who loves me, and a good job that I like and that pays well. That's all. Now what are the odds of that happening at my age? Not good. Especially with BPD. But I'm doing the best I can. I'm just not going to be satisfied with what I get at this rate. I feel that I deserve better than what I'm getting. Don't we all?

Depression after good health fair

I don't understand it. I was so proud of myself for doing so well at the health fair, and now I'm depressed. It is one of the lower dosage days for Zyprexa, but it hadn't been doing that (depressing me significantly). And I did well on my test yesterday, I think. So what's wrong with me? I don't understand BPD. Are mood swings like this normal? Because, if so, they suck. I know that the Zyprexa helped with mood swings, too, so coming off of it could cause this, I suppose. And coming off it can cause depression.

I'd just like to feel normal for a while. I felt almost normal at the health fair, except I had to keep one eye on the next Xanax dose. I've been up since 5:15, which is extraordinarily early for me. I'm a late sleeper. So maybe I'm tired, too. But this grinding unyielding depression sucks. I feel like going to bed. I guess I could try to take a nap, but I think I'm too wound up for that. Why can't I have one full day of feeling good, or even feeling ordinary, without feeling anxiety/panic or depression? Is there any hope for people with BPD, or is this our lives for the rest of our lives?

The Health Fair--a success!

Yesterday, I took my midterm exam in phlebotomy, and I can't believe it, but I think I passed it. You have to get an 85% to pass. Tough standards.

Then today, I went to the local health fair (160 locations, hundereds of people at each site) to do blood draws. Thank goodness I had the good fortune of getting two blood draws in class, because it boosted my confidence. I did many, many good sticks (draw blook on first try), but had a few that were hard to stick, so I sent them to the hard to stick table. After my Xanax wore off, about 10 (it started at 7 am) I took a break, but was too anxiety tired to go back and do more. So they thanked me and I went on my way. There were still 50 people or more in line when I left. I can't believe it all came back to me so quickly. I told my supervisor I thought I was doing well, and she said she thought so too. She's also the office manager/school administrator, so her confidence in me matters a lot. She asked me how many sticks I got, but I was so flustered about getting things right that I didn't count. I think they could have counted against my 100 sticks that I have to get before graduating school. Oh well, the experience is what did me good, and I think I'll be more relaxed on my externship.

Now I just have to come down off a coffee/sugar buzz. And a partial excitement/partial anxiety buzz, too. Time to take some deep breaths. Maybe I'll go sit for a while and breathe deeply. Man, I didn't think I was going to be able to do this well this weekend, although I studied 5 hours/day for 7 straight days for the midterm, and I got extra sticking practice in yesterday at the school.

Just shows you what Polar Bear and Sid know that I don't--that I can do these things. I'm a little nervous about the thought of drawing people all day, everyday, but that's tomorrow's worry.

I also got an invite to join a DBT class. Unfortunately it's at 1:30 pm and starts in June. It is paired with individual DBT therapy. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to take a job that's offered me, but I desparately need DBT skills too. I guess I can fill out the application first and see what's going on when the time rolls around.

I hope I can land a hospital job. There's is more interesting because you have all kinds of complicating situations, poor light, IV's, blood pressure cuffs, elderly, children, etc. A lot more interesting than working in a lab where all you do is stand there and draw people all day. This too is something that I don't need to think about right now. I'm just jazzed up.

Suzanne

Saw old boyfriend - old longings return

I got my teeth repaired by my old boyfriend, the dentist. His face lit up when he saw me and he smiled a big smile. Then after he finished working on me, he gave me a hug. I told him while in the chair that I had gotten a divorce and moved back to the Denver area. I lied and said that I was writing for a living because I was too embarrassed to tell him my real situation. I did tell him I was going to graduate school online. And he seemed pretty impressed by that.

This brought back a lot of my old feelings for him and I found myself wanting to have him ask me out to lunch... Just fantasies really, because although he is kind and gentle and funny in the office, in private he has a mean, vendictive side that I've seen full blown. He uses women by preying on recently divorced women or recently widowed--those who are emotionally vulnerable and with less of a chance of transmitting an STD. He's very fussy about his tidiness. And he likes to brag about his accomplishments. So why would I want to get involved with him again? I fell deeply in love with him, head over heels, and I don't think I've ever completely gotten over it. And he rejected me in a clash of the titans, so I am like a loving dog coming skulking back to its master. He really hurt me when we broke up. He was mean. But that is so opposite of his persona in the office. And he's sincere. I just think that he has this dichotomous self--one for his patients and staff, and one for his girlfriends and family. But I am lonely and would enjoy his company. He can be charming.

I've got to stop all this reminiscing about a relationship that ended up being abusive, at least psychologically. It sure triggers my old desires though. This is making me depressed.

I took the higher level of Zyprexa today so the depression should be leveling off, but because of the visit it's not. I still have much to learn from my studying. I just went over some flashcards and didn't know one of the questions. So I've got to get it together and study today.

This makes my aloneness come out so that I feel lonely and sad. I want to be in another relationship, but I know, at least in my head, that I need time to heal from the last one. It's just that I feel time is running out. I'm 48 years old, a little overweight, and divorced twice. That doesn't exactly make me prime material. I feel almost a sense of deparation at being alone and without a life partner. I want a LIFE partner. Like until death do us part. But there's the divorce, and there's the BPD, plus major depressive disorder and anxiety/panic disorder. What a gem I am. I look young for my age, and I come across as sweet and concerned and compassionate, which I am. But I'm also extremely vulnerable and gullible to a point. It is easy for people to take advantage of me, and they have. I don't stand up for myself. I'll do anything to avoid an argument. I was brought up with a rage-a-holic, alcoholic, abusive step-father, and he made arguments deviously bad for me. He was briliant, and a sociopath. This brings up my PTSD triggers.

I've got to quit thinking about the dentist. It only tears me up and makes me extremely sad. And our relationship only last 6 months or so. But he was the first one who came along after my first divorce, and I really wanted to believe he was good. Like I said, a great dentist, a lousy boyfriend. I don't know what I'm fantasizing about. Nothing is going to happen, unless of course I call him and suggest that we have lunch together. Which I'm NOT GOING TO DO! Talk about opening myself up for more pain.

I am going to stay inside and study. Study, study, study. I need to do well on the midterm. And I need to do well on the blood draws in both the Saturday makeup class and the regular class. That's going to be a hell of a long day. From 9 to 6:30, without the commute added. Then I've got to get up at 5:30 for the Health Fair where I'm going to try to stick people and really draw their blood, not get dry holes. That means that someone else will need to stick them again, which you never want to do to a patient if you can help it. It's bad enough getting stuck one time. I just hope my needle skills come back on Saturday, because I'm the starring attraction (or one of them) on Sunday.

On to studying. I hope I can avoid watching TV tonight. It seems to bring a sense of companionship when no one is around. I need to study instead.

Foggy day, quiet day

It has been foggy all day while I have been studying. I've gotten a lot done as far as the studying goes, and am beginning to feel a slight glimmer of hope that I will actually pass the test. I'd like to ace it, but given my memory problems, I don't think that is very likely.

Tomorrow I go see my ex-boyfriend dentist about my teeth. Although I have been concerned about the ability to put back in the bridge than came loose, I'm finding myself more concerned with what I'm going to wear, how I'll do my hair, etc. ! Of all the priorities! He was a lousy boyfriend, but he's a terrific dentist. He also costs a lot too, but I know that I can pay him over time.

This morning I took the lower dosage of Zyprexa, and I'm slowly feeling the depression creep in. I'm beginning to wonder if I should go off of it completely or not. If this every other day dosage does work, and I level off, I probably will go down the next step (in 10 days) of 2.5 mg every day. If it doesn't work, I may satisfy myself at 5 mg and be a little more clear memory wise but not much. It's a compromise that I'd rather not make.

I took melatonin last night instead of other drugs, and I slept well and for a much shorter time. I am a marathon sleeper, so getting up after 8 hours of sleep is a miracle for me. I think I'm going to continue to use it. I know that it begins to tell your body to produce less melatonin, but I can compensate by taking a higher dosage. It's natural, which is not something I can say about most of my meds. I use Ambien sometimes or percocet to sleep. I really don't want to go on Seroquel because I'm quickly approaching the point where I am going to have to go off of med assistance. I've been using my savings, and they won't keep you on the program if you have savings. Which means I'd have to take name brand drugs instead of generic in a lot of cases, which is mucho expensive.

I bought a yoga video. I used to do yoga all the time, but my body now is still somewhat overweight and completely out of shape, so I figure if I do the DVD for a while, maybe I can join a class and not look totally embarassing. I watched part of the DVD today, and I was thinking that I remembered being able to do those poses at one time, but that I am going to have problems with even the most basic poses. Hence the DVD and not a class right now. I don't know if I can afford a class anyway. But yoga sounds soothing, and soothing sounds good to me right now. I need every soothing thing I can get. But it will also get me back in shape. I hope. Polar Bear recommended that I find an exercise I really enjoyed doing for its own sake, and this is it for me. I think I'd like dancing, too. And maybe it will all help my depression. It would be nice to find a natural way to relieve at least some of the depression. I don't know if that' s possible, but I'll give it a shot.

Called my t today. There is a depression group starting next week from 4 to 5:30 that I am planning to attend. It's going to be a while before a DBT group opens up. I don't know if I'm really up for a depression group because I've been through so much therapy for Major Depressive Disorder that I could probably facilitate the group. And I have to admit group therapy has never settled very well with me. I get impatient with others who are not on the same level as I am (like if they've just been dx with depression). But I will be in their shoes for the DBT group, if I can get in one and still hold a job. They are considering starting a night class. But who knows when that will happen. Probably months off. At least.

I ordered a used copy of I Hate You DOn't Leave ME from amazon.com because my t recommended I read it about BPD. I don't know when I will squeeze that in but I'd like to see what other people's experiences with it compare to mine. Has anybody read the book? Did you get anything out of it? I hear it is long on description of symptoms and without hope for cures, since it was written so long ago.

While I am in the mood, I'm going to go take a luxurious bubble bath. I haven't done that in years.

Suzanne

Return of the black widow

Depression is back. This really sucks. I hate Zyprexa. Actually, it's a good effective drug for depression, anxiety, and self-harm, all of which I have. But it is also good at obliterating your memory.

I am so overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that I have to memorize by Saturday morning. It's depressing. And the depression I'm having is affecting my ability to learn the stuff.

Depression feels like someone put an elephant on your chest. I hate it. And I'm not supposed to hate anything, according to my beliefs. So I'm in a quandary. How can I accept my depression instead of hating it? I don't know. Maybe accepting depression is acknowledging its reality. It's real, all right. Living with it is the problem. I'm holed up in my apartment. I did go out last night, but didn't stay as long as I could have, and came back to my hole. I haven't gotten out today. I don't think I got out Sunday either. I'm becoming a depression hermit. I might as well join an order and take a vow of poverty, since I'm almost there anyway. Except religious orders don't take you if you are doing it because you are depressed. I hate whining about this, but I hate living it too. There's that hate word again. I think I need to go sit for a while, clear my head out.

Studying and depression

I woke up today extremely depressed. I eventually remembered to take all my meds, and since this is a day of the upper level of Zyprexa (5 mg), I think it helped to even me off. This time last time I went off, I was suicidal, and I'm not now. I am taking extra Risperdal, and reducing more slowly. But I have to get off Zyprexa for the severe memory problems it is causing me. The good thing is that I feel depressed now but not like I was this morning, which is a considerable improvement.

I am studying for my mid-term today and am making some small progress in memorizing things. That is encouraging. But it really takes a lot of effort for small results.

That's kind of like BPD. It takes a lot of effort for small results, too. I will probably go to a depression group starting next week, waiting until I can get into DBT. If I can even go to DBT because of work conflicts. It is so frustrating to know that there is a solution for many of the problems of BPD and I am not able to avail myself of it. I know my BPD is not going away, but I am impatient to get started with some changes and growing that DBT will bring. I don't like to be in a holding pattern. My therapist recommended the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. I haven't gotten it yet because I don't really have time to read it and I have Linehan's books. Has anyone read that book, and if so, would you recommend me reading it? I would like to read a book that describes from the patient's point of view what BPD is like. Is this the book for me?

I have ordered a Yoga workout DVD and hope to get back into yoga again. I will practice some at home, then if I can afford it, I will try to join a class. That will get me out more, and it is a good place to make friends. But first home practice because it has been so many years since I did yoga that my body is not going to remember it very well. I don't want to look like a complete fool when I start my first class (if I can start it).

My ex called this morning right after I was thinking about him. I was thinking about the last time we met (for taxes) and his quick and cold hug goodbye. I told him I would never see him again, and he said "I know" like he was looking forward to it. Then he called. I would really prefer not to talk over the phone. The less I hear his voice, the less hurt I am. It had to do with our taxes. We may still have to correspond some about the taxes, since I fronted the money to pay for the IRS taxes. I hope that wasn't a stupid thing to do. It certainly cut deeply into my fund for savings.

Well, back to the books.

Depressed

Today is the third day since I began to decrease the Zyprexa again. I'm not reducing it as much as I was, just down to 2.5 mg every other day, but I'm still depressed. Plus, my tooth bridge fell out and my teeth are killing me. I called an ex-boyfriend who was the dentist who put it in, and they can't work me in until Thursday. I guess I'm going to lose some weight, because I can't chew or have any solid food without risking a lot of pain. Just went to the store and stocked up on yogurt, so I guess that's what I'm having for the next few days. I'm not looking forward to seeing my ex-boyfriend because 1) I weigh more than I did when I was dating him, and 2) he charges an arm and a leg for his dentistry. I have some percocet for the pain, but I can't take it because I'm trying to study for my mid-term. So this week is going to suck.

The studying is going just so-so. I'm still having memory problems, and so am trying to use flashcards and other memory tricks. We'll see if the information sticks until Saturday (test day). I'm going to devote the week to studying, so maybe I will learn some of the definitions to terms, etc. Unlike grad school, this is a memory test, with multiple choice, matching, fill in the blank, etc. In grad school, it is higher level thinking skills, which are not impaired by the meds I am taking. Thank goodness. I am glad that I am taking the quarter off from grad school though. I needed a break. And the phlebotomy class is so different, and requires hands-on skills, so it is a refreshing change, except for the memorization. Can't have everything, I guess.

The depression sucks. At least, for now, I don't feel like cutting. I'll have to keep my fingers crossed because it is on Tuesday following the Saturday that I reduce that the symptoms peak. I am going to meet with K., my meditation instructor, this evening. I'm going to be all bummed out for that. I can't decide whether or not to stay for the beginning class after we meet. I guess I'll just play it by ear. Right now, I don't want to. But I am driving an hour to Boulder for this, so logically I should make the most out of it. And it might help me feel better. Or I may feel like a glaring sore in the class, with everybody knowing I'm hurting.

All in all, with my hurting teeth and the return of my depression, I'm just not a person whom others would enjoy being around today. I guess I'll just try to take it easy on myself. That's the only thing I know to do. When I have two medical things wrong with me, all I can do is just try to do a little studying and a little meditating, and then let the rest go. Some cheerful post.

3 a.m. and can't sleep

I hate it when this happens. It's 3 am and although I'm tired, I can't sleep. I've taken a variety of different things, finally ending up taking a full tablet of Ambien, which I hope will do the trick. This will mean I will either be awakened by the dogs early (to go out), or I will sleep in after noon. Either way, this sucks. I'm full of anxiety. I have anxiety/panic disorder and for no good reason I am just zipped with anxiety about anything and everything. Then I found a spider crawling up my legs in between the sheets and flung it off to the floor. Gave me the creeps. I don't know how a spider got between my sheets in the first place. That didn't help getting to sleep. I do this every once in a while, where I'm wound up so tight with anxiety that nothing helps to go to sleep. I take this, and that, and keep hoping whatever I'm taking (like Xanax) will do the trick. Bummer.

While I was on the internet (dialup access only), my son called twice, so I didn't get his calls. That made me feel happy that he finally tried to call me, and sad that I missed him, and that he didn't call on my birthday. I know I'm too old to be getting upset by little things like that, but they upset me anyway. So that added to my late night anxiety. I hope I can page him (he doesn't have a phone) and see if he will call me this evening.

Saturday, in phlebotomy class, we reviewed for our mid-term exam, but didn't practice blood drawing. I don't know what i'm going to do about doing sticks for the health fair. I guess I can always be useful elsewhere if not at the blood draw stations. I will staft studying right away for my midterm exam. There's a lot to memorize, and with my memory not so great it is not going to be as easy as studying in high school.

Sleep finally beckons. Let's hope.

My birthday

Today was a bummer of a birthday. :( I had to go to the phlebotomy school for a while, where I chickened out on opportunities to stick other students (practice), because I felt that I would do badly and didn't feel prepared. I then went to my first session with my new t, which was a getting to know you session. She asked me why I was there, and for a while, I was at a lost to say. I don't know what I want to get out of therapy. I knew she would ask that question, but I hadn't come up with an answer. I guess I want to resolve my divorce issues, learn about DBT, and resolve some DBT issues. I want to figure out a way to be happy. Maybe that's too much to expect. Actually, I have very low expectations.

My son didn't call, even though he said he would. That really bums me out because that is all I really wanted for my birthday. He has called several times this week, but somehow it was not satisfying. I wanted to hear from him of all people. I wonder if he is mad at me deep down. Or maybe with his Asperger's ( a mild form of autism) he just didn't get the significance of calling me. Anyway, I'm hurt, whether that is reasonable or not. He promised he'd call.

I had to do last minute tax filing for state returns between my ex and I. I probably should have filed separately. But I didn't and there is more money down the drain. I checked my savings account and my IRA, and I have substantially less money than I thought I had. That's a big bummer.

I've taken some pain meds to try to dull the pain of my inside hurting, but it's just making me sleepy. One nice thing happened: My aunt left a message on my machine that was very sweet. She wants to get together with me in the next week or so. I'm delighted. She's gettig old, and I want to spend time with her before she moves from Colorado.

I cut down on my Zyprexa again torrow,which means that by Tuesday I'll be wanting to cut myself by Tuesday. but this is a slower so maybe it won't be as bad as last time.

I'm too sleepy to type, So I'm going to bed.

Heard from my son again

My son called yet again about college financial aid issues, but then we started talking about my mother, and how I told her that I was a Buddhist recently, then she emailed me back with the words to the hymn: Holy, holy, holy Lord God Almighty .... So I emailed her back telling her some of the details of my Buddhist ceremony that I went through. Any way, he reminded me that it doesn't matter what she thinks, it matters what I think. I've got a pretty smart son. He suggested that I emphasize the likenesses between the two religions, but I told him I'm certain she's not open to that. She's 78 and has been a Christian for thirty years or more. I don't think she's going to be open about another religion. I think she will ignore it. That's her way of dealing with things she doesn't like. By ignoring it. Come to think of it, that's the way she dealt with me when I was a kid and was getting hit and/or mercilessly yelled at by a devious step-father who openly hated me. She ignored me and what he was doing to me. Oh well, that's another story.

So it was good to talk to my son again, and he plans to call me tomorrow on my birthday, which suits me just fine. And I got the traditional floral syrupy card for my birthday from my mom already, filled with underlined words, and with an enclosed letter talking about how I remind her (at least on my birthday) of tulips. Plus a nominal check (which is nice of them). Same thing every year.

I calculated how much money I've got in savings for completing my federal financial aid form for graduate school, and it's scary how little is left. I really need a job, preferably with benefits. All I can do is try my best in phlebotomy school and hope that my old skills come back, and that I can remember all there is to learn (tons of memory work).

Speaking of memory, I guess I will cut down another step on Zyprexa on Saturday since it's been 2 weeks and I am stable. This time I'm only going to drop down 2.5 mg every other day, so maybe the transition won't be so hard. We'll see how I am on Tuesday. It takes 3 days, or at least has, to feel the difference. I wonder if I'll want to cut again? That Buddhist ceremony that I mentioned says something about "not harming myself or others." So if I'm going to really say that I am a Buddhist, then I guess I better act like one.

Got to study.

Depressed before birthday

Today hasn't been so hot. I've been depressed all day. And I shouldn't be, because I went to hear Sting in concert last night (by myself). He's a great performer, but he only played really old tunes. It was still a good show, but for whatever reason, I felt disappointed. I had a great seat next to the stage. I bought the ticket months ago when I was employed.

Then this morning, my ex wakes me up early with a phone call saying he can't pay his half of the taxes until next month, meaning we probably would get audited, or at least flagged. So I am going to pay it and he is going to owe me. I think he's good for it. He's making a shitload of money. He's trying to buy a house right now so can't be bothered to pay his taxes on time. What was I going to do? The IRS is not going to let me off the hook just because I sent in a half-payment. So I just wrote and sent a check for a few thousand dollars to him to send to the IRS. He's so selfish. Everything is about him, him, him. Screw how it affects other people. He did try to get a loan from his parents, though, and they just didn't have the money (they are buying an air conditioner--live in Florida).

I'm tired, grumpy, and bummed. I took an extra 1 mg of Risperdal. I don't know if that's going to help or not. And I'm depressed about my birthday because I have nobody to celebrate it with. And probably no one will call. I emailed my son asking for him to call in the evening, but he ignores most of my emails, so I don't know if he'll call or not. I'm guessing not. I need to do something like rent What in the Bleep, since I haven't seen it. I hear it's good. Maybe that's what I'll do--rent movies. Too poor to go eat out. I'm getting Hepatitis A and B shots instead for phlebotomy school at $50 a pop, and there are three innoculations.

I'm lonely. Do have "plans" for my bd: I will go to a short phlebotomy class, and will see the t for the first time. That sounds like a depressing day. I do have one friend I can call, but she's probably too busy because she works 2 jobs and has a teenage son at home. And I'm depressed that at 48, I'm not getting any younger. I saw all those couples together last night and looked on enviously, especially at the older couples. I'll never get to experience living a long time with somebody. Well, I lived 15 years with my first husband, but that was 15 years of hell and abuse.

Part of the reason I was up so late last night is partly Sid's fault ;) . I tried her link to Yahoo Games and got hooked on Mahjonng. Did pretty well--second highest score for the day.

I have a chapter to study and homework to complete, but I'm too tired to concentrate. I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. I always feel that way if I haven't gotten a full night of beauty sleep, and I sleep long -- ten hours a night. Runs in my family. My grandmother slept 11-12 hours a day (she went to bed at dusk) and my mother sleeps 9-10, and my father slept 10+. So I come by it naturally. That makes for very short study hours during the week when I'm working.

But I found out today that I will be possibly making a little more than I thought. Everything helps. The hospitals pay the best. So I will try to get my externship with a hospital, and hope that they are impressed (positively) with my skills, which I'm very rusty on. I hope I can get better quicker. People don't like to be poked with a needle more than once, did you know that? Picky picky. With the pain that I've gone through and Sid and Polar Bear and others, I think, what wimps. Of course I will be very courteous and very professional, and try to empathize with some adult whining about getting stuck. I can empathize with the kids.

And then it will be back to grad school. Never ending. I just hope that all my time and studying will pay off and get me a job in the field--I'll be new to it. I hope a Master's counts for some experience.

Oh well, maybe I'll try to study, or just watch the tube. I don't know which. I do know that I am running out of money quickly, and need to do well in this school, including the two exams. I need good recommendations from as many people as I can get. Hospital jobs are hard to get without a lot of experience, and I don't plan on doing this forever, just until I can get through grad school.

At least I don't feel like cutting or anything. Just depressed. And tired.

Happy Birthday to me on Friday

Tonight I am going to hear Sting in concert in Denver. I bought the tickets months ago before I was this poor, but they are already paid for. So although I'm a little nervous about finding parking and getting to the right place, I'm eager to go. He's been one of my favorite performers for decades.

My ex called with more bad tax news. We owe considerably more in state taxes. Altogether, with the main taxes, it's going to cost me close to $2000 to pay it. Shit. I desparately don't need to have this happening. And here I sit at home just studying phlebotomy for a possible job that won't pay very much an hour, but will be enough, I hope, to get me through graduate school. And I have to finish paying my expensive tuition to the phleb. school. Plus I owe a bunch on credit cards. Shit, shit, shit. And I was turned down for food stamps and medicaid, so I will have to start buying my own meds again. Maybe I can find a temporary job until school is through. But I have all these visits to t and pdoc, and I hope to get placed in DBT. How do you go to all those t and doc appts and still work? How do you find an employer who is going to let you off work that much? Especially being out of a job, I'm not in any place to say "Thanks for hiring me. Now I'll need these afternoons off." How in the hell am I going to get off Zyprexa if I can't at least see the pnurse? At least I won't have to pay for that once I'm off, but the increase in Risperdal will probably offset any savings. And to top it off, I can't find all my check stubs, so I can't balance my checkbook. I haven't balanced it for 4 months now. I just keep enough in there and keep calling for the balance.

My papers are spread all over my large desk and bed in deep piles. I cleared off a lot of my bed and filled up two trash cans full of old catalogs, etc. At least I did that much. But there is so much more to do and I get overwhelmed when I try to work on it. I've got to try to at least find out what and how much I've paid this year so I can keep tax records. Panic time! I have a confession to make. You'll like this, Polar Bear. I collect stuffed bears, and I have a large white polar bear that I keep on my bed, and will occasionally hold it for comfort when I am having a panic attack, which I'm working on right now. I'm 48 years old on Friday, and I still hug stuffed animals. It's either that or my dogs, which are a lot more loving, but they come to me for petting, and don't quite know what to do when I come to them for loving. So I'll hug my stuffed bear. It's that, or I rock myself back and forth on my bed. I don't have a rocking chair any more. Movement is comforting.

I'm going to go panic some more. Too many overwhelming things at once. I'm even sort of dreading tonight's concert, just because I have to get out of my apartment and go downtown with a mass of people. I have a good seat, though. Time for some Xanax.

Post-blizzard update

Digging out today from more than 2 feet of snow. Last night, I barely made it driving into the long driveway in my Jeep Cherokee in Low 4WD! I've got to get some snow tires next winter (if I can afford them).

Studied for my phlebotomy class. Oh, one great thing, my son called! We had a long and expensive collect call conversation (I tried to call him back but he was at a pay phone that wouldn't take incoming calls). He's applying to FAFSA (federal student loan and grants) to go to college. I am hoping he has had enough of low wage jobs to want to go to school. He says he is interested in architecture, computer aided design (CAD), etc. I hope he does go. He and I had quite a long talk about my Buddhist community and its teachings. I am having concerns about it, and he is a Buddhist, too, so we chatted. He's very knowledgeable. But it was just wonderful to talk to him. It definitely made my day. I finally had to cut it off when I felt my wallet burning a hole in my purse. But he's my true family, and it made me so happy to hear his voice. He's in northern California, so we're not geographically close.

Checked on some blogs to see how my friends are doing. This blog thing is alright.

Mixed feelings about today's ceremony

I don't intend to make my blog religious, or push any religion on anybody. I say, each to his/her own.

But, because of the leftover feelings about seeing my ex and realizing that that was going to be the last time I saw him, I couldn't really get into today's ceremony as much as I would have liked. The ceremony was about committing yourself to Buddha, his teachings, and the community of believers. I found myself going through the emotions of the quite elaborate ritual without being able to concentrate or get as much out of the ceremony as it is supposed to mean. I guess I was still depressed. It's just too bad that it had to color this once in a lifetime ceremony.

I have heard that one of the symptoms of BPD is emotional reactivity, in that it takes a long time for a BPD to return to emotional balance once a strong emotion is evoked. I seem to feel only negative emotions, so unfortunately I don't experience (or rarely) the lingering joy or happiness that could be experienced by others. It can take me days to get over a feeling. Sometimes it can take me months to recover from a single emotion, and I don't mean just re-feeling it on a regular basis, but actually living with it for months.

Sid said to give myself time to get over the relationship, time to heal. But my clock is ticking and as I am 48 I am not going to be that attractive to that many men. And how in the world do you find those rare men who are willing to be understanding about BPD, plus Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, and panic and anxiety attacks? I feel disabled, and though TimLPN on the BPD Sanctuary board will tell you that after 10 years, he is very happy most of the time, I feel like I've been in therapy for depression and Post Traumatic Stress for so long, I don't know when they are going to get better. Actually, the PTSD is getting better. But that has been the topic of conversation for YEARS of therapy. But I think I'm looking at a lifetime rap for depression, and now I am newly diagnosed with BPD... I feel like I'm broken, and who wants a broken woman for a companion?

I'm tired and am going to bed.

Torn up inside

Today I went and did taxes with my ex. It will be the last time I see him, and I still love him. He brought his girlfriend with him (they had a nine hour drive), but at least he had the graciousness or the good sense not to bring her to the actual tax place.

And we owe thousands of dollars in taxes and I don't know where that's going to come from.

But I hurt so badly inside. I had to drive back in a snow storm, so I couldn't even cry on the way home. I brought my dog with me, and it was good that she was there. I had thoughts of cutting on the way home. I feel lost. Totally without an anchor. I have no husband, no family at home or in the same state, no job, only one in-the-flesh friend. Thank goodness for my online friends. My chest hurts like a panic attack. I feel so lonely. So sad. I'm sobbing while I type.

I'll never see him again. Never. And he's okay with that. He did give me a couple of goodbye hugs. He's not a monster. I think I ran him off. I think I was too fucking sick for him to want to be around any more. Who is going to want me now? I'm 48, in school, in debt, with no money. They rejected me for medicaid and food stamps, and now I'll be cut off of the free meds I've been getting. How can I even attract people as friends, much less find a new love? This is my second divorce. After the first one, I bounced back, determined to make a new life for myself, make changes, do different things. I saw it as an open frontier. But then I had a good job. I'm not bouncing back this time. The divorce has technically been over since Feb. 15, so less than two months, but we were separated for 1 1/2 years before that.

I am a Buddhist, and tomorrow I am supposed to take significant vows, called Taking Refuge. It is a big deal, only happens once a year, and once in your lifetime. There is a fairly elaborate ritual that goes with it. But my heart is not in it. I could wait until next year, but I would feel like -- oh, not losing that, too! So I hope I can get my heart in the right place before tomorrow.

But tonight I cry and pet my dog. She's old. I don't know what I'll do when she dies. Except for arthritis, she is healthy now. We are very close.

My house is a mess, my finances are a mess, my checkbook is a mess. I don't seem to have a grip on anything. And here is the joke: I'm supposed to have a high IQ. A lot of good that does. I wish I were dumber and happier.

The nurse practicioner that I saw for my meds says that the antipsychs flatten you out. How am I supposed to live and be happy when my meds for keeping me sane don't allow happiness?

I just took a fist full of pills--safe ones, but some extra ones, too. I want to go unconscious and have this day be over with. It sucks. I may have screwed up my taxes too. That's all I need--the IRS on my tail. The dog upstairs is barking non stop. And my dog is moaning. What a crew.

I am not making much sense. But I don't have much sense to be making. I think I'll try to read something inspirational before these pills knock me out. Sorry to have rambled so much. I am so torn up inside that I'm not thinking straight. Mostly I'm grieving, for all my losses. Grief is too heavy to bear. I'm just not that strong right now.

Wish me luck for tomorrow. I hope I can make it into a significant event in my life. I don't have anybody to go witness it with me. So I guess it will be just me and Buddha, and all the other initiates. Maybe that's how it should be anyway.

Panic, panic, panic

In 48 hours, I drive to GJ to meet with my recently ex-husband to do taxes together. I am totally out of my mind about this. I'm scared to meet with him because part of me, a considerable part, still loves him. And I know he just went to the Bahamas with a girlfriend, so I know he is long past me, but I still care for him and it's going to hurt. I don't know how I'll keep from crying. I'm taking my dog Bunkers with me because she is very loyal and affectionate and will be good company on the long trip back. Four hours over and 4 back. With the time for the taxes, that will make a long day. Actually, since I don't have to be there until 3 p.m., it will mean a long evening. I'll leave my other dog with a friend.

I just can't believe that this is the last time that I'll see him. I don't want to believe it, but it's probably true. And yet I don't want to see him because it will tear me up. It's going to tear me up. Since I'm on a lower amount of Zyprexa, maybe the nurse tomorrow will increase my Risperdal or something. But I will be very vulnerable to falling completely apart after saying goodbye to him. I just don't think I can bear it. I'll probably cry while we are doing our taxes.

It's not fair! He promised he'd never leave me. He promised it over and over and over. He got me to finally trust him and believe that he wouldn't leave me. And then he left me.

And now I'm almost 48 and not exactly the most eligible bachelorette on the planet. I'd resign up on eHarmony if I weren't so screwed up right now. I'd run anybody interested off, and that would kill me. I know I have to heal from this but it's not going to be easy. And in the meantime, the years are ticking away...

I have to get myself together financially so I don't drown. I'm going to be running through savings anyway, no way around it. And it will go fast. All of my money from the equity from the house will probably be gone before I can get a job as a phlebotomist, and even if it's not, the phlebotomy probably won't pay enough to cover my expenses. And then, with a job, I'll have to pay more at the county clinic, and pay for my meds out of pocket. This is a lose-lose situation.

Okay, I'm going to break my rule and ask: Why am I sick? What did I do to deserve this heartache? I don't believe in a god so I'm asking an existential question. I am a Buddhist, but I don't have a very good Buddhist support group. Buddhists would say that it's my karma, meaning I created causes in my past that are having their effects now. I don't have very good support groups at all. I stay inside too much. I don't feel like meeting people, or striking up conversations with people. I just don't have the energy. It's like all my energy is turned inside trying to heal the wounds. I'm an introvert, not an extrovert, but I need more of a support system. I need friends I can call, and that takes time and a willingness to get out of my hole. I'm getting to the point of desparation on this, so I may start coming out of my shell soon. I have a significant Buddhist ceremony that I am taking a vow at, and there's nobody to witness it. I need to join some sort of group. NOT a fire department again. I don't have the energy for that. But does anybody have any ideas about groups to join where I can meet friends and maybe even a date? I do want to date, but I don't want to screw it up, so scratch that last part.

Today is going to be hard, but not as hard as tomorrow and Saturday. At least I have some afternoon appointments tomorrow. Life can be so painful. And I haven't heard from my son in weeks. More pain. I can't believe my husband left me. But I've got to let it go. Easier said than done. And yet it is the clinging to it that is causing the pain. I should go meditate. And I should go eat lunch. And organize the taxes.

And do the rest of my homework. I'm doing pretty well this week in school. Most of it is review for me, and I am actually remembering some. On that somewhat upbeat note, I'll end. I'll get through this one way or the other. I just hope I'm not suicidal on Saturday night.

Regrets

I'm depressed, so I know this is affecting my thinking/emotions. But I am feeling sad about the loss of two marriages. It's true, the first one was abusive and we fought constantly, making a horrible environment for my son. And it is good for both him and me that I got us out. But still, there were good things about that relationship. We were wildly in love, for one thing. I didn't have that in my second marriage. We had a good sex life, which I didn't have in the second one. As a matter of fact, it was too good, because he was always feeling me up -- just constantly, with no break. There was big pressure to have sex 4-5 times a week or more, and I was called frigid if I didn't want to. The second marriage had none of the passion and romance of the first marriage, but it did offer stability and happiness. It's just that we never had sex. I mean for years. I wanted to, he didn't. Talk about black and white. There has to be a happy medium in there somewhere. And we rarely argued, and then only briefly, letting things roll off our backs. Maybe too many things were left unaddressed.

But I miss having a LIFE companion. Someone to do things with, share things -- both good and bad, happy and sad. And yet I am still so torn up over the last marriage breakup (in Feb.) that I can't even think of giving attention to another man. I'm too screwed up. And this BPD diagnosis is a big stumbling block. "Hi, I'm Suzanne, and I have BPD, which isn't a sexually transmitted disease." I'm lonely, but too screwed up for the average person. I need to go through therapy, through DBT, and learn better coping skills. I've been through a ton of therapy, but not for this. It makes me a little anxious about going through it, since all my t has been "talk t." I've never been in a group t situation except once briefly. I didn't like it. But then it was a sort of general group with nothing in common and no real guidance. I'm nervous of peers ganging up on me. I'm still not completely convinced of the dx, so there is a part of me holding back, thinking maybe I have complex PTSD instead. The symptoms are very similar and I had an extremely abusive childhood. And I don't have rages, or I should say, since my son grew up I don't have any rages. He was a kid with a lot of difficulties of his own, including a mild form of autism and possible bipolar. So he was extremely difficult to raise. That's why I only had one. And of course I regret that, as well. I would have loved to have had more children. It's just that he was different from the time he came out backward (vaginal breech birth). And he was all I could handle.

I'm blogging so I don't get back into what I was thinking last night. It probably bores people to tears, but it is very therapeutic for me. I'm sad and lonely. And I'm worried about my very precarious financial condition. I'm worried nobody will hire me. I've either been in school or unemployed pretty much for the last ten years, and I don't know how i could convince an employer to hire me with that type of track record. Hence the Master's degree, and the Phlebotomy certification. Phlebotomy is to get me through the rest of grad school, and grad school is hopefully going to get me to a place where I can save for when I can't work anymore. Friends tell me I should write again, but it's so hard to break back into the business once you've been out for a period of time. Plus it doesn't pay well or regularly.

Listen to me. I am having a sad little party for poor me. Enough. I'll just deal with each day as it comes. That's what I have to do anyway.

Crap, I missed my therapist appt.!

I can't believe it. Because I was wrestling with the knife demons last night, I took a couple of sleeping pills and slept through my alarms, and so slept through my therapist's appointment. Of all the stupid things. I just couldn't get to sleep. It was 3 a.m. and I finally took the pills. I guess it would have been better just to have stayed up all night and then go see her. Shit, shit, shit.

But I called her and told her about last night, and we rescheduled (not until the 15th). She told me she knew I had been calling the hotline, and to continue to do that. I have my hours reversed and I just can't wake up in the morning. Is this self-sabotage, or just stupidity? I feel so bad about myself that I'm not keeping normal hours, but then it was impossible to get to sleep. So what am I to do?

The good news is that I don't feel like cutting myself this morning. That's all the good news I have. I have several things coming up that are going to require that I get up in the morning. How am I going to make those dates? Like Saturday, I have to drive to another city to rendezvous with my ex to do taxes together, and that will mean leaving the apartment by 11 a.m. You'd think that any normal person could make such an appointment, but now I have my doubts....

At least I still have my appointment on Friday for med eval with the nurse practitioner at the clinic. She prescribes p-meds. It is at least in the afternoon so if I don't get my lazy butt out of bed, I still will make the appt. I hate myself right now. How can I be so lazy? How am I going to make it for morning appointments? I set 3 alarms last night, and I slept right through them all. There is a name for reversing your hours. I can't remember what it is, other than lazy. It's a p-name.

I am so stupid. I should have just stayed up and not taken the sleeping pills. It wouldn't have killed me to miss a night of sleep. So much for my attempts to get better. What if I have another spell like last night? Maybe if I had just stuck myself with a needle, I would have been able to go to bed at a more normal time. This is crazy talking, but it's true. I'm going to go now so I can continue to beat myself up.

thinking about knives...warning: dangerous content

I'm having urges to hurt myself. Now I know the Zyprexa withdrawal is affecting me. There is no coincidental bad situation now. I see my therapist tomorrow morning. All I have to do is to wait until then, and then maybe something can be done about it. I decreased without permission, so they'll probably have me increase again. But I can't do that and still be able to study. I hope I can talk them into putting me on something else.

I don't like this. Deep depression just isn't all fun and games, kiddies. Thank goodness I have two dogs and a bird that a I love and care for, because I could off myself and nobody would know it until the smell got bad. By that time, my dogs would be in a bad state, and I can't let that happen to them. Well, one thing is for sure. It's hard to study when all you are thinking about are bad thoughts. I hate these stupid chemicals! I have to have them to live, but their side effects make it hard to do so. Let's see. I lowered Zyprexa on Saturday, and today's Tuesday. Yup. Three day delay, just like last time.

Maybe if I just cut myself I wouldn't feel like killing myself. The endorphins and all that. There's nothing distracting on TV. They said to hold ice cubes in both hands. I don't have any ice cubes made. Tiny refrigerator in a tiny apartment. I've got IV's I could attempt to start on myself, except all my good IV veins are gone or on the wrong hand. You see, I'm an Emergency Medical Technician in addition to all the other stuff I do, so I know how to start IV's. It's just next to impossible to start one on yourself, unless...I used a butterfly. I don't know if I have one, but I could look. A tiny prick like that would be better than a slice. I keep seeing sliced skin. I know what it looks like. But what if the people at the phlebotomy school saw it. That would be the end of the class for me. So not on the wrists.

I've got to think. I can call the hotline. I've got caller ID blocking on my phone so they couldn't trace it. Maybe. Probably the police could trace it. This is bad. Maybe I'll just stick myself with a needle and be done with it.

For anyone who's never experienced these sort of feelings, I'd go onto another post. For those who have experienced them, definitely go on to another post. I know it's all chemical. Brain chemicals. So why can't they get their fucking shit together and fix my brain? Normal people don't feel this way. There's nobody to call but the hotline. At least there's the hotline. God, I've got to get my taxes together for the trip on Saturday. Great. Another stress. Plus homework. Maybe I can concentrate on those things. Maybe they'll have suggestions at the hotline for things I can do.

I'm going to go and see if I can get some relief. Preferably the good kind.

poem on depression

I wrote this six weeks ago when I was going through some rough times, and it seems appropriate now.


Depression

rolls in like a dark fog bank
clouding vision of things beyond
hiding the present under its black vale
until nothing is left but the pain

all is concealed
every flower, every child's face,
every hope of feeling normal again

nothing exists but the inward-turned me
drunk on it intoxicating forgetfulness
licking my wounds
clawing at the ache in my chest
wishing to cut out that which torments me so

all I can give is my conscious presence
to witness the bruises
constantly being there
giving love to myself
as I am
in all my contorted being
so that one day I can love someone else in need

compassion starts at home

do I catch the brush of a breeze
to blow away the grounded cumulus
and take scent of freshly mowed grass?
does the sun warm my back
with its gentle healing rays?
can I return from this nightmare I call life
into the land of the truly living?

--Suzanne

Feel like a failure

I turned down a cheap job when the temp agency called today because it was too far away and the parking would have been too expensive. But it made me feel like I'm lazy and a bum. All I'm doing is studying for my phlebotomy class, which is taking up most of my time. That, and I'm online a lot. So I feel like a totally non-contributing member of society.

And so, along with my ex's phone call yesterday, makes me feel depressed and useless. I've got to go to the laundromat and wash clothes, but since I can't wash them at my washer/dryer in this apartment, I put off doing that until I can't possibly wait any more. I even wash my underwear in Woollite to keep from going. Which keeps me in my little dark hole of an apartment. Which helps keep me depressed...

I'll see my new therapist tomorrow. God, I hope we get along. I don't know what you do in the county system if the therapist just isn't your cup of tea. Maybe as a phlebotomist I will have mental health benefits. Naw, they probably just give minor medical benefits. So then, being employeed, I'll have to pay full price for the services. Which will leave me without enough money to live...

I'm urgently in the need of friends, both local and online. The local is the hard part. I live in the mountain countryside outside a major city, and there just aren't good opportunities for meeting other people here. I'm still too screwed up from the divorce to try eHarmony again. I feel like an open, raw wound, very susceptable to infection.

I miss my son. I wish he'd call or return my pages to him. It seems to be useless if I contact him, because he never calls me back. And he doesn't have a phone, just a pager. I think he likes it that way. I miss him a lot. As we are the only two heathens in a family of fundamentalist Christians, I feel quite alone. My mom still hasn't called since I told her by email that I am a Buddhist. Does she love me less? Or is it just so awkward for her that she doesn't know what to say? We're emailing fairly frequently since I asked her if it was possible for us to put our respective religions aside and have a good relationship. At least there is some contact.

There isn't much more for me to say other than I'm depressed, I'm depressed, I'm depressed. I'll go do my homework.

Nothing like good friends

Sid and Polar Bear,
Thanks so much for your uplifting comments. I am still a little down, but nothing like I was. I'm feeling more susceptable to depression and anxiety, like little triggers can set it off. But your notes made me feel good about myself again. Just think of the power that you have in your hands to be able to make another human feel good! Despite the troubles that both of you have, you have taken time to help me, and I really appreciate that. I definitely want two good friends like the two of you.

Thanks (it sounds so little, doesn't it, when your heart is filled with gratitude),
Suzanne

mi nina 

Severe Memory Problems

I apologize for duplicating things that I have already posted. It's just that this med that I'm taking - and getting off of - causes severe memory problems. So if I've already said it, just skim on by. I hope to be off this med in a month, but I could be dealing with its withdrawal symptoms: the return of depression, anxiety, and self-injury. That will be a bummer, and I have know idea how the p-doc is going to handle it.

Anyway, just wanted to explain that yes, I am crazy, and this is why my posts repeat themselves.
Suzanne

Depression/anxiety & my ex is back

Yesterday, like an idiot, I called my recently divorced husband (he wanted the divorce, not me) to tell him I couldn't find something he wanted from my storage unit. He proceeded to tell me how he's buying this expensive house, and how he just got back from the Bahamas with a girlfriend who was a former scuba diving instructor. That's the trip we had planned. I'm so bummed. I couldn't sleep until late last night. It just tore me up inside. He gave me way more detail than I could want on both of those things. Just rubbing salt into old wounds. Well, not that old. We were only officially divorced on Feb. 15.

And here I sit frantically waiting for my food stamps to arrive. Okay, I'll say it: It's not fair! And I know life isn't fair, and it sure hasn't been to me. Now I'll stop whining, but not hurting. He's lying to the mortgage company about his job status, which is temporary not permanent. He lies, cheats and steals as a part of his way of life. So why did I love him? Because he was the first kind man who really showed concern and compassion about the way I was abused as a child and in my first marriage and how it effects me now. He was very supportive of me being in therapy, but I think he grew tired of me and my panic attacks at even the thought of going to the grocery store. And I gave up being a volunteer firefighter/EMT, which he has been for years, and that crushed him. He had this fantasy of us doing it as an old couple. He had no room for the possibility of us taking up other activities that we could enjoy together. It had to be the Fire Dept.

We didn't have sex for years because he was insecure in that department. I was willing to teach him, but when he didn't get it "right," after a while he just quit altogether. After years of no sex, I got drunk at my computer repair guy's house and we just fell into bed, and so I had a short affair. I'm not glad to say that. But I was starved for attention, and he wouldn't talk about it, or go see a therapist, or anything.

So today I'm bummed. Once again, it's hard to tell if it's the Zyprexa reduction finally kicking in and so increasing the depression/anxiety, or if it's the phone call, or both. But I am not welcoming the depression back. I think I've got to be a little susceptable to depression because of the med reduction. I'll see my nurse practitioner on Friday. And I will at last get to meet my therapist. Maybe I can get signed up for DBT.

I'm sure depressed. Why is it that the men in my life leave me and are better off financially, and I am worse off? I'm living off the money we made off of the sale of our house, and it's not much to begin with, and will be all gone soon. That's why I am trying to hurry through phlebotomy school so I can get a job and INSURANCE as I go through the rest of grad school. I just can't believe that I'm going to end up with nothing--in the gutter-- but that's where I feel I'm headed.

Why the hell did I talk to him? I need to know something else from him before we rendezvous for doing our taxes on Saturday, but I'm going to email him for that.

This fucking BPD!!!! It has screwed away my life, and I'm almost 48 (on the 15th).

Enough of my whining. I know I'm just going to have to put my head down and go through all this. I've got to get off the Zyprexa, and I'm hoping the symptoms either won't be too bad, or that the dr will compensate for it. No sign of clear memory yet, but I have a way to go before I am weaned off of it. I need my memory to keep a job, to go through school and remember things, to memorize all that info that a phlebotomist has to know.

I had to cry last night, but it's not completely out of my system. Maybe my depression won't get any worse today. We'll see.

Ex is thriving while I flounder

I talked on the phone to my ex-husband and learned that so soon after the divorce he is buying a house. I am going to have to live off the proceeds I got from the sale of our old house. And I learned he just got back from a trip to the Bahamas--one we had always hoped to make--with a new girlfriend, who is a former scuba diving instructor. My ex loves diving and we had dreamed about visiting someplace and scuba diving.

So all of this hurts. I'm on food stamps and he is flourishing in the world. This happened the other time I got divorced: He thrived while I scrambled to make ends meet. But this time it is much worse because I have been very sick with Borderline Personality Disorder for a number of years and unable to work because I couldn't make it out of my house to even go to the grocery store.

Yes, I'm jealous. When he was on the phone, he really rubbed it in. Oh, and I didn't want the divorce, he did. Although it was as friendly a divorce as can be under those circumstances. So tonight I am hurting.

But as far as the Zyprexa reduction is going, I don't feel any extra depression or anxiety. Just grief. So the med news is good. I still haven't gotten back my memory very much. Maybe I can remember a little more, but it's hard to say. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

I have been studying, and actually retaining a little, though the going is slow.

I meditated some this evening after talking to a girlfriend about my ex. It was difficult, and calmed me only some. It was hard to concentrate. I kept getting distracted by thoughts about my ex.

Anyway, that's the news of the day. I'll try to focus on the Zyprexa positive benefit instead of my ex and his business.

Another step off Zyprexa

This morning, before my phlebotomy class, I finally overcame my fear and reduced the Zyprexa another 2.5 mg. So far so good. I don't know if my memory was any better today, but at least for now, my depression is fine. I would imagine that it will take a few days for everything to settle out.

I went to class and we toured a hospital's lab area. Then we went back to class, and then we did the first blood draws on each other. I came up dry, but I was one of only two of us who inserted the needle on my own. Once I got down to it, it seemed silly to ask the teacher to guide my hand. I will miss next week's class due to my trip to rendevous with my ex for us to do taxes together.

I'm feeling good about laying out of grad school one term. I can use the time to get my life organized and to study hard for the phlebotomy class. Memory is going to be a problem. I sure hope that the Zyprexa clears out fast. Or maybe I shouldn't hope for that. Who knows? If the depression comes, I'll just have to muddle through it until I see the N.P. at the clinic. As I recall from last time, this 5 mg level was when I began to feel the depression, but it was tolerable. Maybe with the other increased meds this time will be better. I'll be able to tell some tomorrow.

Chickened out

I just couldn't drop to another lower level of Zyprexa this morning. The side effects are so bad, and are so recently in my memory, that it really scares the willies out of me. I still might try to get off of it before I see the nurse on Friday, because then there would be symptoms she would need to treat. It's just that I need to keep my sanity along with my memory. And with the second phlebotomy class tomorrow, I just couldn't feel good about going to class in deep depression. So maybe Sunday or Monday... I'll just have to take it as it comes. I don't have to do anything. I can simply wait for the appt. w/ the nurse, and take it from there. I don't know. It's the returning symptoms of depression, anxiety and mood swings that bother me, because it was severe depression and severe anxiety before (don't have trouble with mood swings).

I made up my mind and dropped the grad class, and hope to accomplish either cleaning out my apartment or maybe working on writing a book. But I will lay out a term, then go back. The relief in stress is major, and it will also give me a chance to get off Zyprexa completely before going back to school. And hopefully I will be a working phlebotomist by then (with benefits).

I guess I'll go back to doing homework for the phleb class. I still haven't read either chapter, and might want to do that!

I wonder what I'll do tomorrow with Zyprexa. I'll let you know.
Suzanne

Chickened out

Well, I didn't have the guts to go off Zyprexa by 2.5 mg more today. I just couldn't do it. I got to thinking about how scary the depression and anxiety and self-injury is, and I just couldn't do it. That doesn' mean I won't. There are some very good reasons for going off before I see the Nurse Practitioner next Friday. Like she'd be able to see my symptoms and give me medication for them. I guess it would be better to go off it before April 9th when I go see my ex Todd for tax returns. I will be bummed after that for sure, so it would be better if I had had a little time to adjust. So that puts me in the state of trying again tomorrow...

I dropped my grad class, and found out I can borrow a lot more money than I can afford to pay back. More than $100,000! Unbelievable. But I'll probably end up borrowing up to $40,000. I had better get an instructional design job after that because I have to start paying back 6 months after I finish school. My back up plan is to see if I can facillitate a class online once I have my Master's--I should be able to do it for undergrad work.

I'll write more later. I'm off for groceries, etc.
Suzanne