Greetings, earthlings.
I don't know why anybody would want to read about my life. It has been a little exciting in spots, but this is just another crazy woman trying to cope, and sometimes doing a bad job of it. I guess the best way to proceed is to let this all unfold naturally.
So what I am struggling with tonight are two things 1) whether or not to take another grad class this term (tomorrow's the deadline) , and 2) whether or not to reduce my Zyprexa another 2.5 mg. tomorrow. I think I'm probably going to lay out this term, as I'm taking an intensive phlebotomy class to try to get me accelerated into a job so I don't lose all my savings. The thought of taking both the phlebotomy class and a 1/2 time grad class was overwhelming. I panicked, called my sister, who said if I was uncomfortable doing it, why do it? I just don't want to lose momentum and not sign up the next semester. With all that I have been dealing with (divorce, job loss, near-death accident, just to name a few), I need a rest. But I desparately want to get my master's degree. I hope to work in instructional design for online learning, which is in English: creating courses on the web for either businesses or schools, etc. I have had my tongue hanging out, but I'm still keeping a 4.0 GPA. I'm very proud to say that.
Now the evil demon Zyprexa: Last time I tried to get off of it (it's an atypical antipsychotic), I got extremely suicidal, wanted to cut myself, made out a will, the works. So now I read that what it prevents is depression, anxiety, and mood swings. So they were not really side effects like I thought. I though I was going through withdrawal hell. No, it's doing what it's supposed to do. Why get off an effective drug? It causes severe amnesia, loss of both short-term and long-term memory, and generally makes me incapable of functioning like a normal person in a normal job. I worked as an office temp and got fired because I screwed up the filing system at two different work sites. I'm an A student in grad school and I can't file? I've been on the bloody thing for 5 years now, and my then husband and son constantly talked about how bad my memory was. I could have a very emotional conversation with somebody one evening, and completely forget it ever happened the next morning. I was always losing my keys, so I trained myself (it was a long process, too) to hook my keys onto my purse at all times. No more putting it in pockets, etc. I got a PDA and it became my memory. Then I lost it after having it for two years, and instantly got another one. I didn't lose all my data but enough to make it sting.
So back to Zyprexa: It's been two weeks since I went down from the 10 mg. level to 7.5 mg, and they increased my Risperdal and Prozac. I'm tempted not to take the extra 2.5 and just go down to 5 mg. Reasoning: I'm supposed to see my Nurse Practitioner about altering my meds next week, and it would be helpful to see what my side effects were at that point so she could increase or add more drugs. More drugs. That's just what I need. I'm a frigging walking pharmacy. So I would see (like last time) an immediate increase in my memory, but also see some serious depression and anxiety setting in. There just has to be another way to deal with the bad depression and anxiety than Zyprexa. And I need my memory because I am in the phlebotomy class, and most of it is memorization. The concepts aren't hard. But there is a LOT to remember. I have a 4.5 hr class each Saturday for 10 weeks, then I go to an externship in a hospital or clinic for 100 sticks, then I'm certified. I'm certified alright. This is an expensive class and had better result in me getting a job that pays above $10.50 an hour. But any job at this point is needed. My thinking is that it will get me through grad school, and help me out if I need to move to another state.
Oh, and by the way, I've been a volunteer Emergency Medical Technician and firefighter for 10 years or so. Well, I actually retired a couple of years ago. But I have medical experience, which should help on the job situation. If I can find people willing to say that I'm capable. I wasn't a great EMT. But I did save some lives. Some for the worse, though. Sometimes I think we intervene when it would be better if the person just died at the scene. That's another topic.
I told you I've done interesting things. Like I've published a real honest to god novel with Avon Books 10 years ago. And I've been a book editor, and multimedia content designer. But for years I've taken on a project or job, worked at it a few years, then got bored and quit. History of my life. That's why I need the credentials of grad school. I just don't have anybody to say that I did a good job. Which I did. But I always seemed to peter out at the end. Brainy girl with great promise does great at first, full of energy, enthusiasm, creativity--then bombs.
This is an aspect of my borderline personality disorder, which is another major new event. That diagnosis I got when I was trying to keep myself from cutting myself up with a knife, slicing my throat, taking pills... My self-esteem isn't exactly great. But we'll save BPD for another post.
Until then, earthlings, see ya!
Suzanne
So what I am struggling with tonight are two things 1) whether or not to take another grad class this term (tomorrow's the deadline) , and 2) whether or not to reduce my Zyprexa another 2.5 mg. tomorrow. I think I'm probably going to lay out this term, as I'm taking an intensive phlebotomy class to try to get me accelerated into a job so I don't lose all my savings. The thought of taking both the phlebotomy class and a 1/2 time grad class was overwhelming. I panicked, called my sister, who said if I was uncomfortable doing it, why do it? I just don't want to lose momentum and not sign up the next semester. With all that I have been dealing with (divorce, job loss, near-death accident, just to name a few), I need a rest. But I desparately want to get my master's degree. I hope to work in instructional design for online learning, which is in English: creating courses on the web for either businesses or schools, etc. I have had my tongue hanging out, but I'm still keeping a 4.0 GPA. I'm very proud to say that.
Now the evil demon Zyprexa: Last time I tried to get off of it (it's an atypical antipsychotic), I got extremely suicidal, wanted to cut myself, made out a will, the works. So now I read that what it prevents is depression, anxiety, and mood swings. So they were not really side effects like I thought. I though I was going through withdrawal hell. No, it's doing what it's supposed to do. Why get off an effective drug? It causes severe amnesia, loss of both short-term and long-term memory, and generally makes me incapable of functioning like a normal person in a normal job. I worked as an office temp and got fired because I screwed up the filing system at two different work sites. I'm an A student in grad school and I can't file? I've been on the bloody thing for 5 years now, and my then husband and son constantly talked about how bad my memory was. I could have a very emotional conversation with somebody one evening, and completely forget it ever happened the next morning. I was always losing my keys, so I trained myself (it was a long process, too) to hook my keys onto my purse at all times. No more putting it in pockets, etc. I got a PDA and it became my memory. Then I lost it after having it for two years, and instantly got another one. I didn't lose all my data but enough to make it sting.
So back to Zyprexa: It's been two weeks since I went down from the 10 mg. level to 7.5 mg, and they increased my Risperdal and Prozac. I'm tempted not to take the extra 2.5 and just go down to 5 mg. Reasoning: I'm supposed to see my Nurse Practitioner about altering my meds next week, and it would be helpful to see what my side effects were at that point so she could increase or add more drugs. More drugs. That's just what I need. I'm a frigging walking pharmacy. So I would see (like last time) an immediate increase in my memory, but also see some serious depression and anxiety setting in. There just has to be another way to deal with the bad depression and anxiety than Zyprexa. And I need my memory because I am in the phlebotomy class, and most of it is memorization. The concepts aren't hard. But there is a LOT to remember. I have a 4.5 hr class each Saturday for 10 weeks, then I go to an externship in a hospital or clinic for 100 sticks, then I'm certified. I'm certified alright. This is an expensive class and had better result in me getting a job that pays above $10.50 an hour. But any job at this point is needed. My thinking is that it will get me through grad school, and help me out if I need to move to another state.
Oh, and by the way, I've been a volunteer Emergency Medical Technician and firefighter for 10 years or so. Well, I actually retired a couple of years ago. But I have medical experience, which should help on the job situation. If I can find people willing to say that I'm capable. I wasn't a great EMT. But I did save some lives. Some for the worse, though. Sometimes I think we intervene when it would be better if the person just died at the scene. That's another topic.
I told you I've done interesting things. Like I've published a real honest to god novel with Avon Books 10 years ago. And I've been a book editor, and multimedia content designer. But for years I've taken on a project or job, worked at it a few years, then got bored and quit. History of my life. That's why I need the credentials of grad school. I just don't have anybody to say that I did a good job. Which I did. But I always seemed to peter out at the end. Brainy girl with great promise does great at first, full of energy, enthusiasm, creativity--then bombs.
This is an aspect of my borderline personality disorder, which is another major new event. That diagnosis I got when I was trying to keep myself from cutting myself up with a knife, slicing my throat, taking pills... My self-esteem isn't exactly great. But we'll save BPD for another post.
Until then, earthlings, see ya!
Suzanne
posted by borderline savvy at 9:58 PM
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